December 30, 2016. Friday (Fri-yay). Today was a better day. The tears that were flowing yesterday finally stopped and I felt good. I made it to work around 9:30 am and worked until 3:30 pm. My new afternoon snack is peanut butter stuffed pretzels and a coke. I think I over did it on the pretzels though, I packed A LOT, but it was kind of my lunch, whoops. I am a dietitian and I know exactly what to eat, why am I not eating more vegetables and a more balanced diet? I don’t know. I guess because I want peanut butter and I want pretzels and I want coke and I don’t really give a sh*t about it right now. I guess I should though right? I don’t know. I am meeting with the RD who works at MSK before my next treatment. Yeah, I can research and look up stuff myself but I just don’t feel like it and she is the expert in nutrition and cancer. What will I ask her; 1. Is there any evidence regarding nutrition and chemo treatment that either helps or hinders the treatment; i.e. too much sugar, fat etc.? Help, I can’t poop (I am now, but like how can I without miralax?)(If she says fruits, vegetables and water, BYE). Ummmm I don’t know what else. She contacted me when I first started and she sent me the “usual” starter pack. The first thing it talked about was how not to gain weight. WHAT, I AM GOING TO GAIN WEIGHT?? But one of my silver linings was losing weight. I can see how you gain weight. Right after treatment I definitely don’t eat that much. A few days later I was eating like a HORSE. Then it kind of went back to normal; eating like a small horse. The steroids make you hungry and your body is craving sugar. Oh yes, add that to the list, why am I craving so much sugar ma’am? I haven’t gained any weight. I have been checking my weight. I don’t want to gain too much too fast, it can also be an indicator of water build up, kidney issues, a lot of things. I also don’t want to lose too much weight too fast, also a health indicator. I waver between 157-160. Goal; don’t go over 160 and don’t go under 150. I am more concerned about the weight loss when I start doing weekly treatments (starting February 16th). We will figure that out when we get there.
Got home from work around 4 pm, changed into my PJ’s and started watching Gilmore Girls. It was dark in our house, we have black out shades downstairs and I was ready to CHILL. Kim was in bed, he has a bit of a respiratory infection he is trying to fight. I haven’t caught it thank goodness. Lots of hand washing going on in our house. I took some Toll House chocolate chip cookies out of the freezer to make for a party. Kim’s cousin Nick and his wife Kara live about 10 minutes from us. They are redoing their kitchen and so they were have a, I forget what they called it, demolition, reconstruction, party. There were hammers and markers, we were knocking down walls and writing on them. The guys got A LITTLE out of hand. They took two walls completely down lol. There was pizza, yum. Got home around 10:30 pm. We stopped at Walgreens to get Kim some NyQuil cold and flu to help his cough.
December 31, 2016. Saturday. Today was a big day. Wig shopping. Last night I was getting nervous about it. It could really go either way. It could be fun, playful, as exciting as it can really get, or, it could be devastating, tear producing and depressing. I woke up around 8 am, had a cinnamon raisin bagel toasted with cream cheese and jelly. Hillary came over around 11 am. She was going to a NYE wedding and wanted to look at some of my dresses. She was coming wig shopping with me along with my former internship director, Kathleen. Have I talked about her yet? She is one of the greatest humans I know. She went through breast cancer at 33 and 40, the latter portion of it being metastatic in her lungs. She did a clinical trial and it worked. She’s cancer free and living life. We went to Paris together with a small group including her daughter Lauren and my Aunt Noreen. The Eiffel Tower was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. When we were at lunch, if they ran out of bread, they would go down the street to the local baker, so fresh. It was very heavy though. The capers, the cream. I had a bit of a meltdown when we were there actually. I am a control freak sometimes, I was worse back then. Every last minute was planned for us, which was a beautiful thing for the cost we paid, however, it got. to. me. The last straw was when we went to a museum and the tour guide ORDERED FOOD FOR US AND IT WAS ALL THE SAME THING. I cried, threw up, went back to the hotel and snuggled with Barney (YUP, I brought Barney, he is currently upstairs in our loft, Kim doesn’t get along with him, men, ya know?). My poop schedule was off then too, history repeats itself. Was it times like these that caused this cancer? I am truly unsure. When we get the genomic testing back, and if it is negative for any mutation, then it has to be. Prior to seeing the psychologist, I dealt with stress POORLY, internally and it ate me alive. After this, ain’t no stress gonna eat me alive, I will chew it, spit it out and flush it down the toilet.
Anyway, wig shopping. I made an appointment at a place 15 minutes from my house called Just For You Center. MSK actually recommended it but I found it prior to seeing them. I felt pretty good on the way. I told Hillary and Kathleen, “there could be tears today btw”, they both said, “I know”. We showed up a little early, they were very welcoming. I filled out my name, address, doctor, insurance. I called my insurance company a few weeks ago to see how much of a wig they will cover, NOTHING. How sad is that? I don’t expect a lot, maybe a few hundred bucks, one hundred bucks? The woman said to send it to my insurance anyway and keep it for my taxes. We went into the room, so many heads, so many wigs. It was pretty cool. I did some googling and I knew there was a wide range of wigs; synthetic, human hair, wait, no that’s all I knew. The woman went on to say there were European, Asian, I forget what else and the price range went from a few hundred to $3,000. I wasn’t going to skimp on a wig. I decided to find one that is very close to my hair. I have not told everyone I work with about my diagnosis and I go to about 10 different buildings so that is a lot of people. My worst nightmare would be to not find anything. I started trying stuff on, a few were funny, very mom-ish. I tried on about 5 and then the woman helping us went out to grab another one. I tried it one and it felt good, it looked right and it was so soft. It is a little bit lighter than my hair color with well done highlights. It is longer than my hair but it comes in and I get it styled the way I want, everything included in the price. WE FOUND ONE. Thank goodness. Now, it was on to a cheaper, synthetic one for fun! I tried on a few blond ones, I can never be blonde, wah. Kim wanted me to get a red one and at first I thought, weirdo, but I tried it on, PERFECT. It made my blue eyes pop. It’s long, brunette based with red in it, I kind of love it. Maybe I will dye my hair red when it comes back in. I also got a “sleeping cap”, it’s just a grey simple cap, kind of cute and then a purple, cancer looking thing that you tie and its long in the back, very comfy. Just stuff to chill in. The wig will take about a week to come in. I haven’t started losing any hair at all. The normal few strands falling out in the shower but otherwise nothing. I think after the second treatment it will really start to go, we will see though.
Good experience. Went home and then immediately went to Shoprite. We were having a few people over for NYE. Shoprite was NUTS. No parking spots. I made chicken parm, half with regular tomato sauce, half with vodka sauce. If you haven’t tried that, then please do. I also made (frozen) ravioli from Costco, yummy. Bought chips and dip, cheddar, brie, goat cheese, love a good cheese platter. My friend picked up pepper jelly from Trader Joe’s for me, I have been cravingggg it. Have you had that? No? Please, do yourself a favor and try it,with brie on your favorite cracker. The night went well, low key. They left around 10:30 pm, half went home, half to go out to the bar. Cleaned all the dishes and was in bed by 11 pm. I am trying to really do a lot around the house while I am feeling good as Kim does it all when I am down. Kim was in bed by 11:30 pm and we were watching 24 when midnight hit and there were fireworks we could see from our bedroom. It was kind of fabulous. I was asleep by 12:15 am, ready for 2017. New Year resolutions? I mean, I am sure you can guess, kick cancer’s ass. That is pretty much it. I don’t really believe in NY resolutions. I think you should wake up each day with intentions and try to achieve them. If you try to accomplish too much, you won’t and you will fail. Day by day, simplicity. Now, 2018 goals: dog (chocolate lab maybe), house (small, fireplace, big kitchen, cozy), grow hair (ya know), forget about 2017.
January, 1, 2017. Sunday. I can’t wait to write an entry for January 1, 2018. I think it will go like this. “Remember that time I had cancer, LOL, ME TOO. What an exhausting year. It’s over. Life is fabulous”. Waking up sober on NYE is pretty amazing. Last year I was really drunk. Woke up around 9 am, Kim was out of bed first, lately I am the first one out of bed. I was ready to sleep in a bit more but he was just not having it, of course. Mom was coming up for brunch. We got up and started cooking. Pancakes, bacon, eggs, coffee, yummmmm. After mom left and Kim did the dishes (whoops), Kim and I went for a walk. We walked down to a local golf course, Kim hit a few balls (illegally) and we came home. It was about an hour. I felt invigorated. I made a to do list. First on the list, clean out three of my bags, purse, work bag, work/chemo/everything bag. I did that, took a while. Felt good. After that, I felt tiiiiiiiiiiiiiired. Decided to take a break before charging ahead on the list, but then I got in bed, and I took a two hour nap. I’ve decided to start watching Sex and the City from season 1 on HBO GO, love this show. Woke up feeling hungry. I was thinking about dinner all day because I wanted to make chicken parm sliders on leftover garlic bread, LIKE HELLO. It was everything I imagined and more. Kim made some angel hair pasta and threw in left over bacon from this morning, grilled chicken from the other night and left over 4 cheese pasta sauce. We are really bad at eating leftovers but tonight we were good. I packed my lunch; ravioli, chicken parm, pineapple, strawberries, grapes (I am trying here) and a coke (whoops), took a shower and now blogging. Didn’t get to anything else on my list which included laundry (I did clean the towels though), clean my closet room (small room in our townhouse that is used as my entire closet, yes, lucky woman), clean my vanity. Last on the list was to smile, CHECK.