January 5, 2016. Thursday. Yesterday was good, today was not. I woke up around 6 am not feeling good. Feeling very tired but unable to sleep. I fell back to sleep until about 8 am. I was feeling very emotional today. It was the first day Kim wasn’t there to feel my bald head. I went downstairs and laid on the couch, watching some tv. It’s all a bit blurry actually. I called Kim, no pick up. He was on the golf course, I get it. I need him to have a vaca, I just wanted to hear his voice. I put my hat on and started doing some work. I wasn’t going to go in feeling like this, I just can’t. Hillary came down and asked how I was. Tears starting rolling down my face, wiping away tears I just said, “I am tired, and I miss Kim”. Same old, same old. I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired. I think I was so shocked that I felt so good yesterday, I was confused on why I was so tired today, BECAUSE CHEMO DUH. I went back up to bed around 10:30 am, Hillary putting me to sleep, setting me up with everything I need. I tried calling Kim one more time. He picked up knowing I needed him to. Tears and deep bellows followed, “I DON’T FEEL GOOD, I’M SO TIRED”….. “this is what is going to happen. We know this. We just need to get through the first few days”….. “I know”. The tears stopped and I was ready to sleep. I just needed to hear it from him. I fell asleep until about 12:30 pm, eye mask on. Woke up and texted Hillary asking her to bring me a coke and crackers, mmmmmmm. I felt better after the nap and was ready to do some more work. Signed back in for another two hours.
Nicole and Rebeka were planning to come up and Kim’s mom was coming up with dinner, she’s a GREAT cook, like a chef. Nicole arrived first. Her dad works for Keebler. She walked in with a HUGE bag of alllllllll my favorite crackers. Tears, tears and more tears. People are so thoughtful and it touches my soul.
Pat came next with fresh eggplant parm, bread, salad, cookies, water, Gatorade, homemade granola and hugs. Beks came next with all my needs from Harmon; new loofa, lotion, body wash, mascara, everything. She used to buy me all this stuff when we lived together because I just….. didn’t. Again, I’m the man in the relationship, with her and with Kim. We sat down for dinner and YUM. Felt good.
We sat down and watched some tv. Pat left and we started watching The Girl on the Train. WEIRD. Bek got side tracked and started organizing the kitchen, then bathroom, then bedroom. I miss her for that. She’s a great organizer. She has a dream about doing it as a business, one day, she could, she’s amazing. I’m glad I get her for free before she becomes big. Half way through the movie it was time for bed. We went up. Nicole slept in the loft, hoping for a snow delay. I didn’t finish the movie, shocker.
January 6, 2017. Friday. Woke up around 6 am feeling good. I can usually tell if it is going to be a good or bad day the minute I open my eyes. Good day. I laid in bed for a bit longer then eventually just said, get upppp. Had some cereal, finished up some blogging and then started to psych myself up to go to work with a freakin’ wig onnnnn. My face is blushing just thinking about it right now. Or I’m having a hot flash because of the lupron shot, oye vey. I was feeling anxious. I collected my makeup, haven’t worn a full face of makeup in a longgggg time. I was pacing a bit. I went to my vanity and started doing my make up. Weird. I did a pretty full face; foundation, some bronzer, eyeliner and mascara. I then put on this lipstick. I put on my wig and thought, “meh, too much”. I am a girl who likes to try some new, bright, fun lipsticks however I didn’t want to bring more attention to myself. I went downstairs and kept looking in our dining room mirror and finally wiped it off and was ready to go. Hillary was ready to head to Starbucks for a few hours while I was at work. We looked at each other and knew it was time to go. She took a picture of me in front of the Christmas tree like it was my first day of kindergarten. We walked out the door, she went one way, I went another and I was off to work, in a wig.
I got to work and people seemed to notice I got a “haircut”. The wig is short like mine as I cut it before, it has bangs and a few highlights. People said they loved my haircut. Did they know? I don’t know. We are all in healthcare so do we know a little bit more? I don’t know. I felt pretty good. The only thing that was really getting to me was acid reflux. I have never had acid reflux. The steroids can cause it and I am sure many other things. I asked the nurse for something. I forgot what he gave me, I just said, “this doesn’t interact with anything right?”, he said no, and probably knew. Got some work done then few hours later wasn’t feeling too great and that acid reflux started to come back. It was time to go. I e-mailed my NP on my walk out asking what I should take. She had her out of office reply on but she always replies (THANKS KAREN). She said take pepcid, I could take Prilosec if need be as well. I stopped at Walgreens and got some Pepcid, actually quite yummy. It worked right away. Hillary and I met at home. I was craving a coke as I do most days however coke really does cause acid reflux, BUT, BUT, BUT. Hillary was reluctant but then grabbed a coke and tried to get the bubbles out of it by doing that up and down thing, ya know?? I started taking small licks of it, like a dog (I wish I was kidding). I eventually jumped to small sips but didn’t drink most of it. The taste was good at least. Dad came over that night. We had leftovers; meatloaf sandwiches for us and eggplant parm for Hill, YUM. In bed around 9:30 pm.
January, 7th, 2016. Saturday. Woke up around 8 am feeling good. Hillary was planning on going to a spin class that is about a 10 minute walk from my house. I was glad. She has been doing everything for me. She went for a run the other day, her phone died, and she rushed back in case I needed her. I was sound asleep (hehe). I got out of bed and made a bowl of cereal. Hillary didn’t want anything before spin. She left around 9 am, I watched some television and eventually fell back to sleep until about 10:45 am. Woke up to texts from Hillary and Rebeka and a few more. Hillary was on her way back, stopping at Starbucks. Rebeka was staying at our friends house three doors down, Mel’s. Eventually everyone came over and Rebeka made us breakfast. I had some scrambled eggs with cheese, slice of bacon and pieces of a cinnamon raisin bagel with the brown sugar & cinnamon cream cheese; update, IT’S GOOD. We basically just hung on the couch all day. Rebeka organized my closet some more and it looks fabulous (love you Bek). It was snowing all morning and it felt good to be inside.
I needed to shower, more friends were coming over and of course I didn’t want to. My tastebuds, therefore my olfactory, isn’t working as well either so I can’t smell myself as much, lol, this is funny. I went to the bathroom and decided to just get in the freakin’ shower. Turned the water on, took my clothes off, looked in the mirror, and felt like I was looking at a stranger. Still bald. I don’t find myself looking in the mirror much, and I never really have. It is hard now. I am not myself, but I am at the same time. When I am not looking in the mirror I don’t feel bald, I feel like myself. I got in the shower, started washing my “hair” and each time I ran my hands over my head, there were tons of little hairs left on my hands. I could not imagine doing this while I still had long hair. LADIES, SHAVE IT. Even though my head was shaved, maybe I forgot the little hairs were going to continue to fall out. Tears started to come. I’m a 28 year old woman with a shaved head. Fuck this. I’m over it. I just let it out, because that is what you have to do. And sometimes, the shower is one of the only times people aren’t going to hear you. Even washing my body, I don’t want to scrub too hard where the cancer is because, well, I don’t want it to spread, ya know?? It doesn’t work like that. I asked Dr. Norton. I hate touching where the cancer is and I hate when other people touch it as well. Just feels, I don’t know, fake? I don’t know.
I got out of the shower, put lotion on my face because I am dryyyy. I should be moisturizing my entire body but I was never good at it and my dry skin never bothered me. Goals; moisturize more. I got dressed, wearing Kim’s t-shirt, baggy sweats and my robe. Went downstairs to sit with Mel and Hillary. Tears started again. I get into a quick, deep cry, say what I have to say (“I am so over this, I don’t want to wear a wig and I miss Kim”, the usual), then I am done, Mel pointed this out lol. Crying for me is really getting some nasty feelings out and then being done with it. Like I always say, it is a release. I don’t know what it is. I really don’t care being bald. It sucks yes but it is what it is. I don’t want to wear a wig. I would rather be bald all the time. I feel uncomfortable, I feel like everyone either knows I am wearing a wig or is trying to figure out what is different. While this may not be true, it is my thought, and I KNOW I AM WEARING A WIG. I’m over it. Over. It. Of course, I don’t “have” to do anything but I don’t want people to feel uncomfortable and I also don’t need everyone knowing I have cancer. I don’t want special treatment, pity or any of that. This type of shit is depressing. I am not depressed however those types of feelings are starting to flow in. I won’t allow it. I will allow myself to feel sad. I will allow myself to cry. I will not allow myself to wallow and feel sorry for myself all the time. WAIOFJAIODJFIAOJFIOJAIFJIODJFDFJA – my thoughts right now.
My girlfriends Christine and Jessica were coming up for dinner. I was craving Chipotle for some reason. I didn’t want to get anything too spicy; I ordered rice, black beans, cheese, chicken, sour cream and corn. Jess picked it up on the way over. Jess walked in with Chipotle, dinner for the week, a card and DUCK DONUTS. Kim gets them during his golf trip in Hilton Head (yes, another trip, I SUPPORT IT). I asked Jess a few months ago if she has ever been there since one opened near her, she had not heard of it. SO HAPPYYYYYYY. Christine brought the most perfect “fuck cancer” mug, because ya know, FUCK CANCER. The Chipotle really hit the spot, so did the donuts. We talked all night and it felt good. I was eating a lot of interesting things today thennnnnn my stomach was dong interesting things. The chemo attacks all the cells that are turning over quickly; cancer cells, hair follicles, mouth, GI tract. I won’t go into detail, but just, your stomach will do weird things, and it might smell, and all you have to say is, “I have cancer”, works like a charm.
I decided when going to bed, tomorrow was going to be a new day. Today I allowed myself to cry and feel sorry for myself. Tomorrow, I will be productive, I will get a little bit more dressed and I will go outside. Ladies, you have to do this, otherwise you will get stuck in a rut. Kind of like, I don’t want to shower, but I have to (I DON’T KNOW WHY I HATE SHOWERING, STOP ROLLING YOUR EYES). You need to wake up, state your purpose, wash your face and put on a cute sweater because who doesn’t feel good in a cute sweater?