January 8, 2017. Sunday. Wow I was sad yesterday, huh?? Today, not so much. I woke up with goals; put laundry away. Ok, a goal. I woke up, Hillary was leaving early to head down to her mom’s for breakfast with her family who is in from out of town (Hi Peter, Netty and Lucy!). I woke up and immediately said, “You have to go have breakfast with your baby!”. I wanted her to know it was ok for her to go. We didn’t really want to talk about her leaving until she was actually walking out the door. I got dressed; a pair of black leggings, large, blue cable knit cute sweater that I think I got from Athleta last year (on the sale rack of course because wow). Hillary collected all her stuff, moved her car next to my house and stood next to the door. I walked over, we embraced each other and we both starting crying uncontrollably. She gave up her life for one week, moved in with me and did everything; put me to bed, woke me up, made my miralax drink, put blankets on me, wiped my tears away, rubbed my back, did my laundry, DID KIM’S LAUNDRY (“I never thought I would be doing my cousins laundry”), made me breakfast, lunch and dinner, everything. One of my new goals in life; be as selfless and giving as Dr. Hillary Stires. We didn’t really put full sentences together when she left, more of;”I CAN’T THANK YOU ENOUGH, I CAN’T TELL YOU HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO ME”…..”I WILL COME UP IF YOU NEED ME AT ANY TIME, I WILL MOVE MY EXPERIMENTS, I WILL DO IT”. There are no words for how thankful me, my family and Kim are for everything she did that week and I don’t think I will every be able to repay her (maybe beating this cancer and remaining her best friend forever because she literally can’t live without me).
Aunt Noreen was on her up way to take the next shift (I am a 28 year old grown baby by the way; baby Kay). I logged into work for a few hours before she showed up. I was feeling good today, more “normal”. What is normal? I sure as hell was and never will be “normal”. Anyway, did some work, Aunt Noreen arrived, we chatted and then I went up to bed to take a nap. Joann, a woman who I worked with during my internship nearly 4 years ago contacted me today saying she wanted to bring me food. We have not spoken in years, and she wanted to bring ME food. I am blown away by everyone, it is truly amazing how great people are. I was expecting ya know, a large dish of chicken parm. SHE BROUGHT A ROLLING COOLER OF FOOD; butternut squash soup, acorn squash, avocado salad, rice, chicken parm, shrimp/sausage, asian cabbage rolls, cookies, (the best) peanut butter balls (I have ever tasted) plus I think more I am forgetting. Tears started to form but she said don’t cry, so I didn’t (lol). We invited her in for a glass of wine and we just talked and it was great. I cannot thank you enough Joann. I signed back into work until around 9:30 pm before heading up to bed. Did I say I am watching Sex & the City on HBO GO? I think I did, freakin’ CLASSIC.
January 9, 2017. Monday. I woke up around 7 am feeling refreshed. I slept really well, opened my eyes; good day. I had to be at one of my buildings at 9 am to meet a new RD. Side note: I am a registered dietitian, I probably said that already. I am chief regional dietitian for a nutrition consulting company. We place RD’s at long term care and sub acute care facilities. I took this job after working as an RD at a sub-acute care facility in Rochelle Park (shout out Chateau!) for three years. I was sooooo happy at my job. I did not leave it because I wanted to, I left it because it was time for me to grow. As Aunt Noreen says, “change is our only constant”. Some people want to work at the same place for 25 years and I respect that, and I am a little jealous I don’t want that as well. When I feel too much comfort, it is time for change. Anyway, I arrived at the building at 9 am, started orienting the new RD and doing what I do. I was wearing the wig my mom got for free because I had not picked mine up yet. It’s a good wig, I felt good in it and much more comfortable today and not so “I DON’T WANT TO WEAR A WIG” like Saturday. It is what it is. I worked until about 2 pm and then headed to the wig store.
LADIES LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW, I don’t care if you have to sell your kidney, soul or child (ok, jk, but kidney definitely), you need to buy a nice, expensive wig, it makes A BIG DIFFERENCE. They put the wig on and I literally said, “FABULOUSSSSSS”, and I couldn’t stop saying it. It is real hair, it looks like real hair, it feels like real hair, it falls like real hair, it is real hair after all. The woman showed me how to style it, blow dry it, explained how to wash it (ugh thought I would at least get out of washing hair), everything. It is quite amazing. I was getting a little bit tired at this point, I did not eat enough today nor did I drink enough at this point. While she was showing me what to do I started chugging water. It took about a half hour to go through everything. Oh, I also got a sassy synthetic red one (hehe). I went home to Aunt Noreen working at the kitchen table, had a quick snack of rice, avocado salad and chips (thanks Joann!) and went up to bed to relax for a bit. I don’t think I fell asleep, but maybe. Ed and Nate came over for dinner. We had an array of things to eat (again, thanks Joann). Ed, Nate and I watch Gotham so we watched an episode. We are still watching season 2 because I messed up the recording of it when it first came out (whoopsies). However, it is starting, no it has been, getting really dark, blood and murders every five seconds. I might be over it. Went to bed around 9:30 pm.
January 9, 2017. Tuesday. I woke up around 7:30 am, showered, put some make up on, put my wig on, made a PB & J sandwich on toasted english muffin with a glass of whole milk. Ya know when you do your last thing when getting ready ladies? Some people put make up on then do their hair and then put their outfit on and they feel complete. Some do hair, then make up, then outfit. Now, for me, it’s make up, then outfit then (put on my) hair and va va voom! Aunt Noreen headed back to MD to get to a meeting (thanks for coming Auntie N!) and I headed off to work. I felt really, really good today. Stayed at work for 6 hours feeling like I really accomplished a lot. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do tonight on my one night alone for the first time in a month and until Kim came home tomorrow. I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go to dinner, she was happy to since I asked her to get Thai food, her fav. I walked into town, it is about a 5 minute walk to the center of town from our house. As I was walking up, I felt like I haven’t done this in so long. It was a little sad. It has been a while since Kim and I have gone out to dinner. We’ve been stuck in the house either from the sadness waiting to be diagnosed or because of treatment. This weekends goal; walk into town and have a date night. I got chicken pad thai for dinner and it was deeeeeeelicious. By the end of our dinner date I started to feel tired. I got home around 8 pm and was really feeling exhaustion setting in, almost like exactly two weeks ago after yoga. I went up to bed, had some Johnson’s popcorn from Aunt Peg and Uncle Mike and talked to Kim. Not for long though, he knew I wanted to watch Sex and the City, eat my popcorn and enjoy my night. I was feeling a little anxious, my heart was racing a bit (I think from the two cokes I had that day, UGH I KNOW). I took 1 mg of ativan and tried deep breathing. My heart was still racing a bit. I fell asleep around 10 pm I think.
January 10, 2017. Wednesday. 1 am, and I am up. Nose stuffy, throat a little sore, temperate 99.4. Well this sounds familiar. Took some tylenol and I think I was up until about 3:30 or 4 am. Sigh. Woke up around 8 am, temperature of 99.6. E-mailed my NP to see if I should take tylenol regularly. She said to switch off between tylenol and ibuprofen every 6-8 hours, check my temperature before each time. Also, always check your temperature anytime you feel feverish. I check mine pretty often once I start feeling it. Told my boss I wasn’t going to be able to go to my one building to audit that day, she replied, “No problem! I am sorry, feel better”. I am very thankful for her, very, very thankful. I think she knows that I really only take off when I need to and when I work, I workkkkk, even if it is for a few hours. I have always loved work. I never understood how people thought college were the best years of their life. Work, growing and learning about myself as I age are the best years of my life (minus this bump, however in 5 years I will have grown from this, potentially be a bit of a different person and will have LEARNED SO MUCH, but until then, this blows). Slept on and off throughout the day as my body was telling me too. I always try and listen to my body, especially now. My temperature fluctuated between 99 and 100.2. I had a headache. I am not sure if this was from wig wearing for the past two days or just feeling sick, I don’t know. I usually get migraines but I have not gotten one during chemo yet, it’s a miracle (knock on wood). I felt sick, a bit nauseous but didn’t want to take zofran as it can give you a headache as it did the first and last time I took it. I got sick twice, only stomach acid (sowwy), felt good after, like a relief. Fell back to sleep and then started on some crackers. I am starting to get little mouth sores, this is a side effect of chemo. It’s not terrible but, it’s there and it sucks. My breast and armpit area where the cancer is was sore all day. I have to ask my doctor but I am thinking that one week after each treatment I will feel like this as maybe cancer cells are being MURDEREDDDDDDDDDDDDDD? I don’t know. I am going to think this as it makes me feel better about the situation. I have to put that in caps because when I say it in my head, its loud, intense and ARGGGGHHHHHHHHHH, like that. I will feel like shit as long as those fuckers are getting killed.
I asked Kim to get me soup on the way home from the airport, just what he wanted to do I am sure.. I was really upset I felt like shit the day he was coming home and I was feeling pretty decent the other days. He was coming home around 6 pm. I went to the bathroom, walked into the bedroom and closed the door. The next minute I hear, “BABY???”. I opened the door, “babe?????”. Before I knew it, tears were falling down my face. I walked down the stairs, saw him and mini bellows started and tears were flowing at a fast pace, “I MISSED YOU SO MUCH, I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE HOME, I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE HOME”. It was like he came back from war after 6 months (okay, dramatic and I am sure it isn’t like that but, it felt like forever). I don’t think he expected me to react like that. I knew I was going to, I would cry just thinking about him coming home. Now listen, I am NOT one of those girls who is dependent on a man, I am the farthest thing from it (at least I used to be?). No really, I had a boyfriend in high school and then I started dating Kim 10 years later (wait, this is funny now that I am typing it out, LOL). It wasn’t like I was celibate in college (sorry ma) but, actually, this is awkward. I didn’t date anyone seriously for 10 years, however I never slept with random men, however I wasn’t a virgin for 10 years, you can translate this as you wish. ANYWAYYYYYYYY, I don’t connect with people easily, hence single for 10 years. I think men should compliment you and not complete you. If you aren’t fully happy with someone, don’t stay with them. I think a lot of people stay in relationships for different reasons; they THINK they are happy enough because they are ignoring things (love is blind), they are scared that they won’t find anyone else or they would rather be unsatisfied in a relationship than unsatisfied alone. 1. stop ignoring things, 2. there will be someone else out there for you, 3. stop it right now.
I had my soup and my mini club crackers (thanks Petronios!), they’re so freakin’ cute (the crackers and the Petronios). It was deeeeelicious and hit the spot. Kim climbed in bed after showering (ew, plane germs). I was watching Sex and the City and we kept watching it, Kim actually giggling a few times, I am sure at what Samantha said, that silly girl. I was craving ice cream, we had this in the fridge. Talenti gelato is the best thing I have ever eaten and chocolate chip cookie dough is my favorite flavor so far, TRY IT. Kim and I just rubbed each others bald heads and snuggled all night. I kept checking my temperature and right before bed it hit 100.4 (WHYYYYYYYY). I wasn’t feeling worse but Kim said I was hot. More tylenol and off to sleep. Let’s hope the fever is gone in the morning.