Can’t think of a title, brain too tired. 

Can’t think of a title, brain too tired. 

January, 11, 2017. Thursday. Temperature  97.3, YAHOOOOO. Woke up feeling pretty decent, not fabulous but no fever. I went downstairs and was hungryyyyy, obviously because I didn’t eat a lot the day before. So, I had a slice of pizza, first thing I saw, hungry, oye. Wait, lol. Kim ordered pizza the other night, half ham and pineapple, half plain. THEY SENT HALF HAM AND HALF PINEAPPLE. LOL. Hey, both sides were good. Showered, put my face on, put my clothes on, put muh wig on (yes, muh, that’s how I said it in my head). Kim had not seen me in my wig yet so I went to give him a kiss goodbye while sleeping and he was a little confused LOL, me funny. I felt good. I had a plaid, cute skirt on, some sassy tights, boots, yeah girl, yeah girl. Went to my building that I missed out on yesterday. They are in their “state survey window” which is 6 months out of the year; 3 months prior to their last visit and 3 months after, they can come any time. This is a BIG DEAL and people are all nervous. I have two buildings who are in the second half of their survey period so, ya know. I went to work for about 4 hours, went home, did another 4 hours of work, sent my reports out to the big bosses, my girls and had some bacon quiche and broccoli and cheddar quiche Pat brought over, YUMMMMMMMM. Side note: for lunch, I brought some Uncle Ben’s 90 second rice, so easyyyyyyy. I still have a canker sore on the right bottom side of my mouth. It started as three little ones, now it’s a big mama. Anyway, Pat also brought over homemade cornbread (yum). I headed up to bed to watch some of my show, my eyes were TIRED. Fell asleep around 11 pm. I usually get in bed cold, by the time Kim gets in bed I am hot (maybe because he turns up the HEAT, HONEY WHY). I love a cold night sleep. I would have the window cracked open all year if he would allow it. Probably not the best for my situation right now, hello pneumonia. Sleeps.

January, 12, 2017. Friday. Woke up around 8 am. Showered AGAIN. I can’t believe I am showering so much. No hair really freakin’ helps. Get in, “wash” hair, body, oh, I am done. WAIT WHAT. Then get out, dry “hair”, body, oh, I am done. WAIT WHAT. Now I can see why Kim showers so often. I mean, I won’t shower as much as him ever. If I showered on a Friday, wake up on Saturday and stay in the house all day then we stay in at night, WHO NEEDS TO SHOWER? Just sayin’. Ugh, I am giving away all of my secrets on here, DON’T CARE. Headed to work around 9 am, got there around 9:45 am. Did my thanggg. I got a call from a weird number, like 987-21, type of weird. It was MSK calling to confirm my surgery time for my port placement, 9 am on Tuesday I have to be there. The woman said I will not be put under completely, it will be like a “twilight”. Not really sure what that means but you recover faster and you aren’t affected by anesthesia all day, which is good, because then I have to get blood work at 12 pm, doctor 12:30 pm, chemo at 2:15 pm, fml, literally.

I had to leave around 2 pm in order to get home in time for blood work at BR MSK. Called mom on the way home, we talked about when she get her port placed, she said it was pretty simple. I am sure it is, it’s all about the freakin’ build up, anticipation, thoughts. Ugh. After we hung up I started crying. I’m scared. I am getting something foreign put in my body that will keep a vein open in order for chemo to be put in me, at twenty fucking eight years old. I mean listen, I know this happens, and it honestly seems to be happening more these days. I also know one, two, three, thirteen, seventeen, and twenty year olds get cancer too, and that is unbelievable as well. I just, there are truly minimal times where it crosses my mind in a deep, deep way that this is my current life. It doesn’t feel real, it truly doesn’t. It crosses my mind lightly 100% of the day. Ugh, life. Anyway, I stopped home, had a slice of pineapple pizza, lol. Kim was doing work for the PGA. We headed out of the house around 3:15 pm, got there at 3:45 pm, in by 3:50 pm, out by 3:55 pm. THIS DOESN’T HAPPEN. All I was getting done was two vials of blood to check my labs before getting my port placed on Tuesday. I am assuming they want to check my WBC, platelets, etc. They also checked my PT/INR which check your blood clotting ability. My sugar was “high” at 104 (??), probably because I had cookies (thanks Laur!) and whoppers (thanks CJ and Madeline!) right before, hehe. Sodium was a little high, ugh fighting dehydration all day. Also my monocytes were high which are a form of WBC, need to ask the doctor about that. My red blood cells, hemoglobin and hematocrit were slightly low. I haven’t been eating a lot meat, maybe it’s time for a burrrrrrgahhhhhh, burger.  Saw this all on Saturday morning on my MSK app, pretty cool.

On our way home, there was a Verizon store. Kim and I both need new phones. Mine dies at 40%, JUST DIES, the GPS does not work, won’t fully connect to wifi and it is just “old”, maybe 2.5 years. How sad is that? So now, we have to pay a monthly fee for multiple months to pay $100’s of dollars, like what over $700?? This shit is so stupid it pisses me off. How did we used to pay $150-$200 for the same exact phones with the “upgrade discount”. I think it’s bullshit and we all want the phones so they know we will pay. BULLSHIT. I wonder if there are any Verizon discounts for people with cancer? Ugh, I’ll take any advantage guys, you would too. Just googled “verizon wireless discount for cancer patients”, lol, nada. Maybe if I go in there bald? OK, OK, I’m done. We went home, I laid in bed for a little. Just going to the BR MSK cancer center makes me little anxious so I was tired from simple blood work. We met Kim’s parents and brother Sam at a restaurant in town. It was chillyyyyy. I wore my brown wig. It is getting a little oily, needs to be washed, ugh. I was craving chicken fingers. The place we went has these ritz cracker covered chicken fingers, yum. Instead of fries, I got mashed potatoes, hehe. HONEY MUSTARD, YUM. I noshed it allllllllll down, I was pretty full after. We got home around 8:45 pm and it was up to bed for me. Kim was watching, ummm I don’t know what he was watching. I put on Ali Wong:Baby Cobra on Netflix. It is prettyyyyyy funny. She’s 7 months pregnant and said she locked in her husband who graduated from Harvard business school because she doesn’t want to work anymore. Then they went to buy a house and he was $70,000 dollars in debt and she paid it off and paid for their house, lol, WOMAN POWER! Also, learn about your significant others finances ladies, or just make sure you’re a fuckin’ boss and don’t need to worry about it (but always check). Fell asleep around 10:30 pm.

January 14, 2017. Saturday. I woke up around 8 am. Went to brush my teeth and noticed that my mouth feels much better. The sore is getting smaller and doesn’t bother me as much when I brush my teeth. My gums are sore, they bleed a bit when I brush. I was using biotene, I need to get more. Also need to look into and ask my NP more about oral care. Bleh, put it on the list. My nose is still running a bit and I have a little cough. Happy with my lab results though, can still fight this stuff off. Kim woke up around 9 am and stayed in bed until about 9:45 am while I was downstairs watching Kids Baking Championship, these  kids are AMAZING! He started making some waffles. He bought this waffle maker, lol.

We hung out for a while then started to get ready to start our day. I decided to wear my sassy red wig. When I put it up in clip and have a few hairs on each side hanging down it is soooo cute. Kim doesn’t love it, I think it is too different for him (even though he requested red). I get it. It’s not red, red, more auburn, but it’s cool. Verizon is right next to Trader Joe’s so we made a list of what we need (thanks for the GF Kim!). Went to Verizon, waited about 20 minutes, they didn’t have the iPhone 7 or 7 Plus in store, wait what, why? The guy said Apple is doing a bad job of keeping them in the stores, interesting. So he ordered it, should be in Tuesday or Wednesday, k cool. It started snowing while we were in the store. Went over to Trader Joe’s, it was packed, as usual. Got some grapes, milk, cereal, grilled chicken, tuna, ice cream cookie sandwiches (ugh, they’re amazing, get them), bananas and eggs. We needed bacon and water bottles but there was a Kings across the way so decided to get over there. Kim and I are famous for this, going to multiple grocery stores in one day, why? WE LOVE FOOD. Went over to Kings for bacon and water bottles, HA. We got sirloin steak, ground beef, ham, cheese, Talenti ice cream, both chocolate chip cookie dough and black raspberry chocolate chip, I will let you know how it is, water bottles, and probably some other unnecessary things. I was craving a burger. Checked out, pulled out, WE FORGOT HAMBURGER BUNS. Good thing there is a Kings on our direct route home, no I am not kidding. Stopped in, got some slider sized potato buns, large english muffins and Kim got OJ. We are a joke, seriously.

We don’t have parking in front of our house because there is construction going on so we have free parking in the deck around the corner so we always park next to our house in front of this old butcher that has not been in business for years, take all of our stuff out then park the car. I walk in the house, Kim takes the keys, “I will park it”… “I can, it’s ok”….”no, you have cancer”. He is joking and clearly not at the same time, I say, “yup, you’re right, bye”. You have to find the humor in this shit, and the perks, it was freezing out there! I put all the food away and had a peach activia. I have never had it before, it was quite tasty. I added some of Pat’s homemade granola, yum. Changed into PJ’s and continued to blog and watch Vanderpump Rules reruns on Bravo, ugh love that show. Kim went upstairs to watch some football pre-game stuff. We eventually switched, I went up, he came down to watch some football. I felt a little antsy. I didn’t know what to do with my life. I started watching The Sopranos. I have always wanted to watch it from the beginning. Kim and I love tv, can ya tell? All in all had a pretty uneventful night until about 10 pm. I got up to go wash my face and for SOME REASON I started to rub my left armpit, the good one, just like I would to check for lumps. I tend to do this quite often. I am not sure why, fear? So I am walking in the middle of the hallway and there it is, a lump, a lump in my fucking good armpit. No, this can’t be a lump. “KIMMMMMMMMMMMM”….”what, what?”….”there’s a lump, there’s a lump in my other armpit!”…. “no, no there’s not”….” yes, there is, whatever, I don’t even care, it is what it is”, p.s., that’s the ativan talking that I had taken 30 minutes prior for bed, THANK YOU JESUS otherwise this would have been much uglier. I go upstairs to brush my teeth, and then the tears come. I start sobbing while I am brushing my teeth. Pretty interesting thing actually, while my gums bleed into the sink. Kim comes up, “what’s wrong?”….”MY GUMS ARE BLEEDING”….”this is all part of the process”…..”I’M NOT CRYING BECAUSE OF MY GUMS, THE LUMP!”. This wasn’t the last time of this weekend that I yelled at Kim and I’m so sorry for that. I get back in bed, we have a little chat and it’s time to just let it go for the night. Fuck my life.

January 15, 2017. Sunday. Woke up around 8 am I think. Go into the bathroom, brush my teeth. Ok, let’s assess this lump a little bit more. The lump is nothing like the one I found in my right armpit. The one I found in my right armpit was deep, it felt like it was on some type of vein. This lump is very superficial. It’s not a pimple but it almost feel likes a deep pimple under the skin. This made me feel a lot better. My body is going through a lot of changes and getting infections is all part of the process. When I took a closer look at my armpit (which the hairs are following out, not growing back, etc.), I noticed multiple places where their are hair follicles are red. Maybe my armpit is confused, I do not know. If I had found this type of lump in my armpit I would have waited a few weeks before going to the doctor because it is most likely an infection. “But who the fuck knows”, as I text Hillary all the details. I did a breast exam and do not find anything. I have a difficult time feeling my “bad” armpit and breast, I truly fear finding anything new. I felt the armpit and pressed in deep and didn’t seem to feel anything. You would think it would be THERE if anything were to become inflamed. I don’t know. I tried to put it in the back of my head. I will be in again on Tuesday and can ask them allllllll the things I want, such as; How do we know it hasn’t spread????????? How do we know this shit is working??????? Is this lump something??????? My chest feels tight, is it something???????? This cough won’t go away, is it something??????? I have a scratch, I’m bruised, I, I, I, there is always fucking something. And when you have cancer, you always think “the something” is cancer. But really, yeah, the cells that MSK looked at are HER2 positive and they are supposed to respond “beautifully” to the chemo I am getting, but don’t we want to look at that halfway through to see if in 5 months this shit isn’t working and we are SOL. I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW. I know what he is going to say, Dr. Larry Norton, “it’s going to work, it will respond”. The chances are probably something like 0.04% that these cells would not respond as they should, kind of like the chances of me getting cancer at the age of 28. Yeah, I am being negative this week, you need to deal with it.

I woke up after these thoughts and shockingly was in the mood to clean. I cleaned out the freezer and fridge. I wanted to make Kim breakfast, for dealing with my wretched ass, but he wanted cereal, boo. I did make him coffee though…… from the Keurig, lol. We hung out for the morning then needed to go to down to my moms to pick up some bills, boooo, and the handicap parking application I filled out an apparently didn’t understand all you needed to do was bring it to your local police department BECAUSE I’M AN IDIOT. So we brought mom some Johnson’s popcorn (hehe), she gave us some bills and some toilet paper (lol) and we went to the police station. No one answered at first then we saw some cops come out the side entrance and I ran over to them. They said I need to come back on Tuesday, or my husband (the man in the car, LOL). I said, “Tuesday? I have chemo Tuesday, it can only be done on Tuesdays??”. With sullen looks on their faces, “nooooo, any week day”. They said Tuesday because it is a holiday tomorrow and the next day that it could be done is Tuesday. They felt really bad, but all I could think was, I wonder if they love my red wig??? LOL. So kim and I went back to my mom’s to drop off the application so she can do it Tuesday and then bring it up. Aye carumba. Took the long scenic route to Kim’s parents for dinner. Pat made stuff shelled, YUM and chocolate pudding,YUM. At the end of dinner my  head felt like it was being squished all night by the wig and I finally stood up and said, ” I can’t with this wig anymore!”, took my hat, walked into another room ripped it off and put my hat on. I don’t think they would have cared if I ripped the wig off in front of them but meh, easier this way. Felt much better after that. Finished watching the ever exciting Cowboys/Packers game and was ready to leave. Got home, garbage out, FaceTime with Hills, snuggles, and bed.

Time to start a new week.

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