Caitlin Carbs O’Neill

Caitlin Carbs O’Neill

January, 19, 2017. Thursday. I need to edit these more. How come no one told me I said, “I can’t wait to dance to this song at our weeding Kim”, like hello Hillary, Rebeka?? Help a sister out! I have chemo brain, oye vey. Anywayyyyyyyy, Thursday. I think fairly uneventful day. Got up, felt good. Wore some black slacks, cute top and a black jacket, feeling pretty professional. I got to work around, I am not sure, maybe 10 am. Felt good during the day, got a good amount of work done. My old job is on my way home from work and I have been meaning to stop by. I felt good today, I looked good today, today was the day. I walked in and my boss smiled at me, not recognizing me at first, then “omg!”. That is how most people reacted. It was really good to see all of them. They all know what is going on. Everyone came in for a hug, those coming in hard I said, “not too hard, just had surgery!”. Everyone was so cute. They all said the wig looked good, cuz it does y’all! I got home around 5 pm and was feeling hungry. I have not been eating a lot of protein, I just don’t crave it at all. I decided to make ham and cheese sandwiches on mini potato buns with mayo and spicy brown mustard with potato chips and doritos, UGH I DON’T KNOW. The ham was, ugh, not good. I mean, it was good, but it just does not taste the same. I love ham. Not anymore, I scarfed it down, laying in bed, because…. just because. I then asked Kim to bring me ice cream. Ugh, downfall, downfall, downfall. There was about 75% of a pint left, the Talenti chocolate chip cookie dough. I want to lie here, but I ATE IT ALL. I ate about half of what was left and thought, welp, if I don’t finish it, it will melt and I am just not going to bring it downstairs, let me keep eating. Then there was about 25% left and I was full BUT I KEPT EATING, then it was gone. Then I felt like shit. Whyyyyyyyyyy? Now I am scarred by ice cream. Whyyyyyyyyyyy? Hillary face timed me a few hours later and we talked about my indulgence and so much more. Hillary is so funny, she makes me giggle. We talked about how I questioned the doctors about how we know this treatment is working. Long story short, she works with cancer cells and she has worked with the drug I am getting and it kills cancer cells, the exact cancer cells I have. THE SHIT IS BEING KILLED AND I KNOW IT AND HILLARY KNOWS IT AND DR. NORTON KNOWS IT AND YOU KNOW IT. Sigh. Time for bed.

January, 20, 2017. Friday. I woke up around 8 am, felt like I needed more sleep. Slept in until about 9:30 am. Woke up, shower (second shower day in a row, hello, winning), left for work. I was not feeling great today, the steroid was wearing off, I felt edgy. I picked up a cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese and jelly on the way to work. The bagel was fresh, who really likes fresh bagels? Or fresh pizza? Mmmm pizza. I ate half the bagel and got to work.  I got to work around 11:30 am. Work, work, work. I had half a coke and cheez-it’s around 2 pm which pushed me through until about 4:15 pm. It was time to go, it was raining, it was ugh. I cried for about 5 minutes. I don’t know why. I think it was kind of building during the day and I needed the release. I called my mom then Kim, my usual phone calls. I was craving soup on this dreary day. I was going to stop at Kings and pick up some chicken noodle soup but when I was talking to mom she said something about pizza, MMMM PIZZA. I haven’t had pizza in a while. When I called Kim and asked him if he wanted pizza, Pomodoro’s is where we go, I heard the joy in his voice. I try to think of or do little things for Kim to make him happy as most of the time lately I feel like I can’t do much. I still wanted soup so I got a small tortellini soup (YUM), slice of sausage, sicilian and some plain for Kim. I walked into the house like my only purpose in life was to eat pizza. Kim tried to hug me, I said, “no honey, no, pizza”. I put the box on the coffee table, sat down and shoved pizza in my mouth. I knew it was a bad idea and I would become very full, seems like that’s the way my life is going lately. Eat now, think later. Actually, that’s how my life always is.

Once I was done eating, the night was over. I was done. It was probably 7 pm at this point. I could barely keep one eye open. Kim wrapped me up in multiple blankets and went downstairs to finish the laundry. He was cleaning the sheets and was disappointed he didn’t finish them before I got home. I can’t make this shit up guys. I was trying to stay out of bed until about 8 pm. Eventually, “I neeeeeeed to go to bed babe, I need to”….”noooooooo”. This is how our nights usually go. I go up the stairs, Kim runs after me, pulls on my hips, “don’t goooo”, I say stop it, then he helps me up the stairs, lol. I was so tired. Kim helped me change, like I was a 2 year old. Dressed me, then put me in bed. I feel guilt when this happens. I feel annoying. He got the rest of his laundry, threw it on the bed to fold and I start crying. “I am so tired, I don’t want to be tired”….”it is all part of the process”. It happens every week. I hate the feeling. I feel tired, my body, my bones, my soul, but not really my brain. I don’t want to be tired, I just am. It is hard to explain. I was sleeping on and off all night, Kim checking on me all the time, holding water bottles to my face while my entire body stayed under the sheets. Drinking water is like a part time job during the week after chemo. My face, my arms, everything, dry. Ugh. Kim says I wake up all the time saying, “ughhh I am so hot” and throw the covers off while he is freezing on the other side of the bed, lol. I am in menopause from the lupron shot therefore I have hot flashes. I haven’t had my period since I started chemo. MY LIFE.

January, 21, 2017. Saturday. Woke up around 8:30 am. Got up, feeling good. I mean I should right, I slept on and off for 12 hours. I got up, Kim still snoozing. Got my usual get up on; sweats, slippers, robe and hat. We still have all of our Christmas stuff up because I am a child and it makes me happy however today I was over it. I started cleaning it all up. We have soooo much. By 9:30 am I had most of it down, still need to take down the tree, but all the ornaments are off and then the stuff around the railings.  It was time for breakfast. I really wanted doritos, but I know that was a bad idea. I was finally craving eggs, not craving, but I would eat them. I had two eggs scrambled with white American cheese on a sandwich sized english muffin toasted with raspberry jelly, YUM. I scarfed that down quick, all I do is scarf things down apparently. Vanderpump Rules season season 1 marathon was on, it made my day. Kim was playing golf at 11 am. He woke up around 10 am, “what’s for breakfast honey??”. He was kidding, but I was so happy I could make him something. I replicated my sandwich and he ate it faster than I ate mine. He was out of the house by 10:30 am, very excited to golf. I was excited for him. My friend Jan and her dog came over around 12:30 pm with soup her husband made. We hung out and watched tv for a few hours, it was nice and relaxing. Jan is 5 months pregnant with a baby boy, BABYYYY.

Kim came home around 3 pm. He had a great time golfing and I am so happy. Kim went upstairs to relax before we were heading out to dinner with his brother and girlfriend Meg. We  were trying a new restaurant in town that just opened behind Kim’s old apartment. He played golf with the owner today who is a member at his golf course who set us up with a reservation at 6 pm. Kim said I had to be in the shower by 5 pm (woof). I went upstairs and had so many thoughts that just spewed out of my mouth, “babe, money, babe, do we want to live here, I can smell the smoke, it’s giving me more cancer (our neighbor smokes, disgusting, yeah, I know), there is dust, babe, this wasn’t the plan, our three year anniversary I will be in chemo, three years, I should not be in chemo, babe, wtf”. No, like it came out of my mouth just like that. It came out in a joking, wtf, laughing, giddy kind of way. Kim’s response, “I like your attitude right now, you’re happy, I hate it when you cry” ….. “I know, but most of the time it’s just a release, it makes me feel good after” ….. “I know, that’s why I just let you do it”. I know it hurt’s everyone when I cry, but again, it’s a release. I often feel better after than I did prior. Crying is natural. I was getting anxious to go out to dinner. I don’t know why. Just wig and shit, ugh. Got in the shower, hair, hair, everywhere. Again, I know it’s going to keep falling out until it’s gone but damn, I have a lot of hair. I’m so patchy it’s A-NNOY-ING. I just stayed under the water and kept rubbing, might just need to do that a few more times. Eyelashes still intact, eyebrows still intact however I think they have stopped growing, arm hair still intact, which is annoying, I have a lot of arm hair, like it can’t like thin out? Otherwise, everything else has stopped growing or fallen out. Yup. The anxiety hyped up a bit more after getting out of the shower. LIKE IT’S REALLY PATCHY. Yeah, it doesn’t really matter, I get it, I wear a wig, but it fucking sucks. Also, Kim sees me majority of the time without a wig, so that sucks. He says I still look beautiful and gives me so many kisses. I don’t think I would be nearly as good as he is with this shit, it’s pretty amazing. I mean, I know I wouldn’t be. Honestly though, my skin looks good, lolz. I think my freckles are coming out more, I don’t know why. I think I have said this though.

Went to dinner, felt pretty good. My wig wasn’t fitting as fabulous as it usually does, it needs to be washed and tightened a bit, I think it is stretching out. I had a fried chicken sandwich with pickles, tomato, lettuce and mayo for dinner. It was quite tasty. I was deciding between the burger and the chicken sandwich, red meat is just notttttttttt appetizing and it’s sad. I LOVE BURGERS and the burger looked really good. This is why my hemoglobin is low. Oh well. The sandwich was good and the bun was delicious, nice and soft, mmmmmm. I love food so much. That is one of the hardest part about this, the hair sucks yeah, the nausea, the exhaustion, but damn, I am just not enjoying food as much as I usually do. My stomach usually hurts after I eat, not terribly, but it does. Ugh. I haven’t drank since this all began, I do not crave it and I am sure it will not settle well, it barely did when I was healthy, healthier. We were going to get dessert but they didn’t have anything chocolate on the menu other than gelato (EEK SCARRED) so we passed but then the owner sent us over a banana, caramel, crunchy, cream thing. It was delicious! I usually don’t like banana things like that but mmmmm. After dinner everyone was going bowling, I just was not up for that. Also, GERMS, OMG, SO MANY GERMS. I went home, took my wig off, put some sweats on and started this blog, felt goooooood. Kim was home by, I am not sure, around 10 pm maybe. Asleep by 10:30 pm. 

This song was playing in Entourage when I was blogging. By the time I am done with this I will have my fucking wedding playlist, add it to the list of silver linings y’all.

This is what I look like when I blog btw. Cold head problems. 


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