The day I started to believe this is really going to work.

The day I started to believe this is really going to work.

January, 22, 2017. Sunday. Rebeka and Nicole were coming over today to help me wash my wig, lol. I didn’t want to do it by myself, the instructions are long and I didn’t want to mess it up. Kim and I got up and went to Kings to get a few things for brunch. My payment to those who come over and help is always food, that Kim makes. We then went to the local bakery for some fresh donuts, mmmm. Rebeka and Nicole came over around 11:30 am. Kim went to the kitchen to start brunch, he’s a master brunch maker. We just hung out and caught up. Brunch was ready; three perfectly prepared egg, cheese and bacon sandwiches on english muffins, one with raspberry jelly. Mmmmmm. Perfect temperature too, not too hot, just perfect. Also, pancakes, lol. Nicole did the dishes, Bek helped take down the rest of the Christmas decorations down then we all took the tree down. Kim went upstairs to watch football, which was well deserved. We then washed my wig, literally all three of us. It went well. It looked like some of the dye of the hair came out but not a lot. I let it air dry for two days. You can blow dry it after the under mesh part dries but I wanted to see what it looks like. Bek and Nicole then helped me clean. Nicole vacuumed, Bek organized, brought up new decorations and helped me wipe everything down. I HAVE REALLY GOOD FRIENDS. I will never be able to repay anyone who has helped me through this, but I will try.

The rest of the day consisted of relaxing, eating pizza and watching Entourage.

January 23, 2017. Monday. Today was going to be a long day and I was very nervous for it, I won’t lie. I was going to a building that was an hour and a half away and I needed to work a pretty full day. I woke up, took a shower, I think, no I really think I did. Side note: why do I hate showering? I am not sure. I was telling my friend I hate getting out of comfy clothes. I just don’t like getting undressed, being cold, getting into a different atmosphere of hot water, then once I am in there, enjoying it, not wanting to get out, being cold, then having to figure out what to wear. LOL, I’ve put some thought into this. I DO SHOWER AND I DON’T SMELL I PROMISE. Don’t talk to Kim. Anyway, I made an egg sandwich, wanted to make sure I ate a good breakfast. I waited to leave until 10 am because it was raining and I did not want to hit traffic on multiple highways. I knew it would be a late night but I would rather miss traffic, I hate it. I was on my way down, about a half hour away, no traffic, and my stomach started to hurt. Sigh. Stopped at the rest stop. There were Cinnabons there, I LOVE CINNABONS SO MUCH I CAN’T BELIEVE I DIDN’T GET ANY. Ya like that self control Kim? Anyway, back on the road. Made it work by 11:30 am. I was in an office with someone else. What did I pack to eat? Two slices of pizza, pretzels and coke. She must have thought I was a GREAT dietitian. I felt good all day. Someone complemented my red wig, winning. I left at 7:30 pm. Thank gooooooodness I brought my glasses. I need them for distance, I don’t wear them enough. It was raining pretty hard, I hate driving in the rain SO much. Called Kim on the way home. He had sent me pictures earlier of these bacon, BBQ cheeseburger sliders he made, YUM. I was going to grab something on the way home. The convo went like this:”Should I make you some sliders” … “no, I am going to grab something on the way home, I won’t be home until 9 pm” … “Okay, I will make you some”. Lol. I got home at 9 pm and the sliders were perfectly prepared and warm. THEY WERE AMAZING. Kim got a meatloaf mix from shop rite with pork, veal and beef. They were sooooo moist and delicious and like I’ve said, I haven’t even been craving red meat. He’s such a good soul, I wish you all knew him. I was up a bit late this night but I felt good. I felt accomplished. It was my first 8 hour day since I started chemo. I can do it. I did do it. Now sleeps.

January, 24, 2017. Tuesday. I was preparing for my mouth sores (my, like they’re my children) and a fever to hit as it has one week after chemo for the past two sessions so I tried to a lot of work done. Kim picked up some homemade meat sauce from his mom. We had some soup in the fridge from one of our friends. I was starving when I came home. I warmed up the soup, Kim made some pasta for his sauce and we sat on the couch and noshed. I may or may not have eaten 75% of a sleeve of club crackers with the soup. I was craving cookies alllllllll day. I went to the vending machine at work but they didn’t have the cookies I wanted, I didn’t know what I wanted at that point. Kim is always 100% supportive of eating sweets (eyes roll) so he wanted to go to Kings. He wanted to go to Kings for cookies. I couldn’t fight it, I swear this craving for cookies was the worst craving I have ever had in my life. I would never really even go for cookies. I am usually the chocolate mousse, or ice cream (welp, that’s out of the picture still), but never really cookies. I mean, I will eat them, don’t get me wrong. It was just odd for me, but hello chemo. So we went. Gosh I wish you could have seen us. I went straight for the cakes. This is almost embarrassing but DON’T CARE. Anyway, back to the cakes. They had a mousse pie, mmmm. I wasn’t craving chocolate as much though. At first we picked up a mini chocolate cake… then fresh baked M&M cookies… but I really wanted some Keebler’s M&M cookies … then we were in the cookie aisle and I kept thinking about how I saw a vanilla cake that looked more appetizing… so we went back to the cake section and agreed on a coconut cake (run on sentence on purpose because we were running around this place like I was 9 months pregnant; goals). We went home. Kim got in the shower and I went IN on the cake, after having two cookies in the car. I was not a big fan, the icing was way too thick, took most of it off, made myself feel better. Saved half for Kim, I’m a good person. Side note: the cake was better for Kim because the icing and cake had time to become room temperature and had better flavor. Anyway, enough about my lack of self control.

January 25, 2016. 2017. I woke up with no sign of fever, no sign of mouth sores. WHAT? WHY NOT? Hillary keeps asking me, you want a fever and mouth sores?? No, of course I don’t WANT them. I just want signs of this shit working. So, of course, I think, “welp, is it working or not?”. Karen, my NP, said they can often tell the treatment is working by feeling the tumor actually shrinking during treatment. Did I tell you this last week? Too bad. I have too many water filled cysts in my right breast so we cannot feel the tumor. There is one small inflamed lymph node at the bottom right corner of my breast that Dr. Lee took a needle biopsy of when she took the large lymph node out of my armpit. Karen said she thought it was shrinking last time she saw me. I was not sure if it was smaller or if it was smaller due to the biopsy, I had not felt it again after that. I am very in tune with my body. I can feel changes while I am not classically trained to feel these things like a nurse or doctor. As I said previously, I don’t like feeling my breast or armpit or checking things in the bad breast anymore, I am too scared to find something worse. This morning, I went for it. I went to feel for the small lymph node to see how it felt. I got up, Kim was still sleeping, turned the shower on, did a little feel. Hmmmm, don’t feel anything, let me check again. Hmmmm nope. I am probably not feeling the right place. I will go higher than I think it is. No. Let me go closer to the armpit, nothing. WAIT, IS IT GONE, DID IT SHRINK, THE LYMPH NODE IS NO LONGER ENLARGED. Kept feeling, nothing. Holy shit. I run to Kim, “HONEYYYYYYYYYYY”, his head was under a pillow fort as we usually do, still sleeping. Shit, this is too good for sleep man. “Honey, remember when I said they can tell if the treatment is working by tumor shrinking and I don’t have that” … “uh huh” … “well that small lymph node, I think it’s gone!!!!!!!!” … “really?? how did you find this out so early, who told you?” … “I did it myself, I can’t feel it!”. It was going to be a great day. I texted Hillary, “I can’t feel the lymph node anymore, like I think it’s gone” … “the one in your other armpit (the pimple thing)” … “NO THE ONE IN MY BREAST WITH CANCER” … “HOLY SHITTTTT, THAT’S AMAZINGGGGGG”. Today is the day, today is the day I really felt like this shit, sorry, medication, treatment, SHIT, is working. I called mom on the way to work and told her, happiness beamed from the phone. I hope I am right. I felt it again at work, in the bathroom of course, LIKE I AM PRETTY SURE IT’S GONE. Not gone, but normal size and I can’t feel it. I don’t know. I e-mailed my NP as well. I told her and said “this is good news right? This is really going to work isn’t it???” ….. ” Yes!!! and Yes!!”.

Yes it is y’all, YES IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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