“The chemo will eventually start to build” they said…

“The chemo will eventually start to build” they said…

… and they were right.

February 2, 2017. Thursday. I planned on working from home today because I had a lot of auditing to do. I woke up, felt a bit tired but got on the couch and got to work. It didn’t last too long. I was tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired. Thank goodness I stayed home. Kim went off to the golf course to work on some PGA stuff. Dad and Nate were coming over for dinner that night. I was going to walk into town, go to the grocery store and pizza place and grab some ingredients for dinner tonight. We were making the pizza we made the other night again; bacon, leek, potato pie for dad and Nate. We wanted to make it even better. I just couldn’t get the energy to go to the store so of course Kim grabbed everything on the way home. He came home and I was just not feeling good. Kim was sitting on his man chair and I told him I was going to go upstairs and he said “noooo” and pulled me in towards him as he usually does and I broke down, fell on top of him and just started crying. He probably wishes he said “yessssss, gooooo”. I was just feeling so tired and guilty about feeling tired. Almost yelling, I fell to my knees crying and said, “I’m sorry, I am just so tired. I feel useless. I swear when this is all over I will make it up to you. I swear I will. I will do everything” … “stop it, don’t say these things” … I just kept going on and on, it was just flowing out of my mouth. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I am sorry. This fucking blows and I’m sorry. My crying eventually slowed and I think I nearly fell asleep on him before going upstairs. Sigh.

I told Kim I would be down by 6 pm to help him. Of course he said don’t worry about it. I was down by 6 pm, he had most of it done, I just helped stir the leeks (no help at all). We had the pepperoni crock pot pizza left over from the other day so I warmed that up for an appetizer. The potato leek pizza came out even better this time. It was delicious and dad and Nate loved it. We hung out, dad played the guitar and we watched Groundhog Day, as it was Groundhog Day, and Pat’s birthday! Bed, sleep, night.

February, 3, 2017. Friday. I was planning on going to work today, but again, I was tiiiiiiiiiiiiiired. I am not sure what was happening. Should I not have gone to work on Wednesday? I was doing an experiment. I was trying to just go on with life, whoops. Maybe going to shop rite and being very productive right after chemo was a mistake, maybe going to work the day after chemo was a mistak, maybe the chemo is starting to build one on top of another as they said it would, maybe it’s my fourth “AC” treatment and it’s a terrible treatment and my body is finally fed up, I know I am. I signed into work for about 4 hours, e-mailing through out the day, staying in contact with a few buildings. I am always in contact; morning, afternoon, night, weekends, anytime. I am a good employee, if I may say so myself. I love working. I hate being tired. I like laying around however when I CHOOSE to and when I’ve EARNED it. I called mom. Sometimes I call her knowing I am really happy and sometimes I call her knowing there will be tears and just wanting to hear her voice. “Hi honey” … “hi”…. “how are you?” …. “I’m so tired” as I cry out and tears run down my face and I lay on the couch with my eyes closed because I literally can’t keep them open. Happens the same way every few weeks. We talked for a bit, got my frustration out and then Kim came home. Kim’s coworker’s gf was dropping off dinner (thanks Madeline!). I had to shower. I think I legitimately cried. LOL. IT WAS NOT ABOUT THE SHOWER. I think it was because I was so tired and I just didn’t want to have to stand up to shower. Ugh, we’ve hit new levels here. I showered and cried because I am so fucking over this. I laid down for a while after the shower. I went down to eat a bit and then went right back up to bed. So out of it, so tired, so over it all. That’s all I can say honestly, so. over. it. Kim came up to check on me as he normally does. Before bed I was craving peanut butter. Kim brought up some peanut butter and jelly in a bowl with Ritz crackers, yum. Then, sleeps.

February, 4, 2017. Saturday. Woke up at 8 am, was I going to feeling good today?? I think maybe! Woke up, went into the bathroom, started brushing my teeth, looked in the mirror and I am BALD. I’m fucking 28 and bald. Tears, then I moved on. Did some dishes and then told myself I had to get out of the house. I had not put my wig on, make up or clothing other than my pj’s and robe for two days. That’s one of the problems; you have to feel like a regular human even though you have sold your soul to medicine. I put some jeans on, healed boots, my wig and some make up. “Wow, where are you going??” … “I’m going into town, I need to get out of the house, I need to get my life together”. Our house is a five minute walk into town so I had a few stops to make. I put my jacket on and was out the door. It was coooooooold. Brrr. I called mom on the way. “Hi mom” … “Hi honey, how are you?” … “I am good, I am walking into town” … “You are??? With who???” … “myself”. I must have sounded really bad yesterday. Sleep helps things. I made it to the pharmacy. I had a few medications, one I didn’t need anymore and I told the pharmacist I didn’t need it. She said there’s no charge so maybe you should take it just in case. Welp, I guess I have hit my out of pocket limit (rolls eyes). My insurance year will start over in March, can’t wait. Anywayyyyyyy, got my meds, walked five more minutes to the post office, walked five more minutes to UPS, then finally made it to the bagel place. YUM. I was actually craving something. It’s so hard to explain how your stomach feels. I feel a little nauseous when I wake up and food helps but most of the time you don’t wake up and think, “mmmm I am craving some oatmeal with banana, yum!”. It’s more like, “let me just eat so I feel a little better and I don’t really give a shit what it is”. Today, I was finally craving a sausage, egg and cheese on an everything bagel. I haven’t craved an everything bagel in a long time,  I think since I had one after my first chemo treatment in the city, ugh, nausea. So I got myself a sandwich and 6 bagels to have at the house. Kim wanted to make his own because “he makes it better”. That might be true but I often find that when someone else makes you something, it is ALWAYS 1% better, unless it tastes like shit of course. I got home, sat on the couch, poured some ketchup on the side of my bagel and dug in. YUM. It was good. Kim was happy I was happy.

Then… I got tired. I wrapped myself up in multiple blankets, turned over and was passed out. Sometimes 20 minute walks will do that to you, jeez. We had plans to go bowling for Pat’s birthday and dinner. I was up, but, I wasn’t really up. My wig was a mess, my make up was a mess, my life is a mess. Oh how things change just like THAT. You know when you eat a lot then take a nap then feel fat and like shit after? No? Well that happens to me, and then add chemo and cancer to it. I felt SWOLLEN. Salt, eggs, cheese and sausage might do that to you. I can’t even enjoy a fucking bagel sandwich. I am so over it. I go upstairs, Kim is excited and ready. I went to put my red wig on, nope. I went to put my brown wig back on. Fine. I went to change my sweater, it was too heavy, nope, can’t wear this, feel swollen. What about this? It’s so flowy and it might make me look pregnant but hey, it is what it is. No, it isn’t. I am not the type of person to wear a flowy shirt because I feel fat. I am sexy. I love my curves. I love my body. Not right now and it’s depressing. I am starting to use the word depressing and that’s depressing. I was “ready” and went in the bathroom and then the tears started. I tried to muffle it but Kim heard it and was on his way up. “What’s wrong honey” … “I’m so tired” (I think that’s what my memoir will be called) “I don’t want to be tired anymore, why is it lasting this long, it isn’t supposed to last this long, I was really tired yesterday, I should be ok today”. There is no “should” and there is no “should not be” happening. Every day will be fucking different. “Why don’t you go and I will have my mom come up” I said as I sat on the toilet seat with my head in my hands, tears rolling down my face feeling sad for so many reasons; because I am tired, because Kim is excited to bowl; because Kim has to deal with me, because I really can’t help it, because, because, because, because, because. Kim said no he will not allow that. Welp, we are going bowling then.

I get up, go downstairs and we are out the door, because if it didn’t happen like that it was not happening and I was not allowing Kim to be stuck in the house with me, truly seems miserable to be stuck in the house with me. We were late, because, hello, mental breakdown, and I just say that to everyone, because it’s true. “Hi, sorry we are late, I had a mental breakdown”, end quote. I was acting like a brat. I felt a bit off. I was tired, HOW MANY TIMES CAN I SAY TIRED. I felt slightly light headed. We were late and it was because I have cancer and everyone knows that. It is what it is but it’s still really fucking annoying. I would bowl and pass Kim and he would try to joke and I would say, “I don’t want to be here” and regret it right after I said it. Why would I say it then? Because cancer and chemo, however it’s not an excuse to be an asshole.

Side note. Let me take a deeeeeeeeeep breath before I write about this, *deep breath*. When I was first diagnosed, I went to the dentist the night before my first chemo treatment, I may have spoken about this earlier. The receptionist’s sister and mother both had cancer. Sigh. Her sister had HER2 like me and went through everything that I am going through now, chemo, most likely same exact treatment, surgery, radiation. I was most likely still in shock then, but she was trying to give me advice. “Just try not to be miserable the entire time, my sister was and it affected all of us”. Ok. During that time I thought to myself, “well, I hope I won’t be, and yes, I will try that!”. If I were there now, “HAVE YOU EVER HAD CANCER, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN THROUGH CHEMO, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN BALD, HAVE YOU EVER HAD TO TAKE MEDICATION ALL THE TIME, HAVE YOU EVER HAD TO TAKE MIRALAX ALL THE TIME TO POOP, HAVE YOU EVER???????????”. I am sorry to yell, but this is how I feel about it right now. Yes, I understand being around a miserable person is miserable, I make a point to not surround myself with people who are miserable regularly because it’s annoying and I don’t want to be like that. However, your sister had cancer. She was allowed to be miserable. If you ever go through something extremely terrible, you can be miserable too. Ok, I am done.

Like I said above, this time is NOT an excuse for me to be an asshole. If I am tired, ok, but I don’t need to be mean or ruin other people’s time. As the day went on, I was feeling better and I was trying to be more positive and put a smile on my face, “I’m so happy to see you smile” Kim said. See, it’s not THAT hard. I can do this. I was craving nachos. We went to dinner and I was feeling good, just hungry. We got these potato nachos, not what I was expecting but quite tasty, onions rings and then I got a grilled chicken sandwich with honey mustard, brought half home, ya like that self control? No, just had a lot of nachos and rings, lol. It was nearing 8 pm and it was time for KK to get home. We got home and I tried to stay on the couch for a little but then my eyes were closing and Kim told me to go to bed, yes master. He was going to meet his brother out on the town but eventually he was ready for bed himself. Zzzzzz.

February 5, 2017. Sunday. Woke up at 8 am. Wish  I could have slept longer but just needed to get up. Did some minimal cleaning up. I thought I would feel really good today. We were going to have friends over for the super bowl but their baby got sick. Dad was coming over at 10 am to have brunch and switch cars with me to bring to his guys. I made egg, cheese and bacon sandwiches on english muffins. We were just talking about life, of course cancer is part of that. I said the last few days have been pretty tough, dad asked why? Hmmmmm, in a nutshell, 100% of thoughts are cancer. Ya never forget; every step, every bite, every move. Over it, I am over even talking about it. Harry Potter was on Freeform, memz when it was called ABC Family? Dad left around 12 pm, and it was time for a nap. 

Last night when we were leaving dinner I was shimmying out of the booth and I said, “oh I am tired” and Kim replied with “you’ve been relaxing for two days”. I stopped in my tracks, got my mean mug on a little, “You think I’ve been relaxing for two days? Is that what you think I’ve been doing?”. I did not want to make it a thing so I kept moving. On the way home, I made sure to have a simple conversation. You said this, if you think I want to be laying around all day that is not correct, please clarify. He said he used the wrongs words and he didn’t mean it like that at all and he knows I don’t want to be laying around. Simple. COMMUNICATION IS LIFE. Wait, something funny also, we almost stopped for frozen yogurt twice, TWICE the car stopped. LOL. I still can’t eat ice cream from that dreaded Talenti experience, sigh.

Kim’s brother was having a few people over for the Super Bowl and I knew I was not going to be up for it. I reallyyyyyyy wanted him to go and have fun and get away from me, because I am a draining human right now. He said he didn’t want to leave me but around 3 pm he must have seen a snapchat or video or whatever the kids use these days and said “they are playing football and it looks funnnnn”. I was so happy. “HONEY GO, HAVE FUN, LEAVE ME, I AM FINE”. He was off. I immediately face timed Hillary, lolz. There were tears again. Shit, it just happens. I was just explaining everything I wrote above basically. Also saying how I feel bad for Kim. I know this is a hard time for us and I know when it is over, it is going to be magical. I can’t even imagine how magical. Life is still magical with him. Sometimes I wait for him to come home and try to fight back tears of excitement, must be the chemo, LOL. I had honey nut cheerios with a banana for dinner, because like I need freakin’ fruit in my life and I can’t really eat fun Super Bowl stuff at this very moment. I was watching Worst Cooks in America, IT’S SO FUNNY AND MAKES ME SMILE. Please watch it. I just kept googling “Super Bowl score”, LOL. Kim came home. I was ready for bed at 10:30 pm and I was outtttt.

Please bring me a day without tears.

Happy birthday to my big bro! 


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