February 10, Friday. Ahhhh just as expected, can’t breathe through nose, cough, tissues everywhere. Can’t go into work like this but will work from home. Made a call out to the doctor to see if I could take anything. The nurse called back about two hours later saying no NyQuil or DayQuil, anything that would mask a fever. I could take a decongestant, I just didn’t take anything. Just kept blowing my nose and coughing. Did a few hours of work, Kim went off to the golf course. I had to get an echocardiogram done to clear me for my taxol treatment. Chemo is very hard on the heart.
I told myself I would go at 2 pm, closes at 5 pm. EKG’s are walk in. Left at 2 pm, it was freakin’ cold. Get in. Hi, I’d like to get an EKG. Ok, do you have your script? Yes right here. This is for an echocardiogram. Oh, they aren’t the same thing. No, you need to go down there and make an appointment. FUCKKKKKK. Hi, I need to make an appointment for an echocardiogram, I thought it was an EKG. Can I get it by this afternoon or Monday by chance, I need it by Tuesday morning. Our next appointment is in March. FUCKKKKKK again. I told her I needed it by Tuesday. She asked if it was an emergency, I said yes. She gave me a number to give to the doctor to have them call to get an emergency appointment. Then she gave me a different number while on the phone leaving a message for the doctor. Then I hung up and she gave me a different number. Patience Kay, patience. I left there with tears pooling in my eyes trying to keep them from falling before I hit the door. I hit the door, walked outside, tears started falling. I was just fucking tired and feeling sick and then I fucked up. I called the doctor, left a new message with the correct number. I left. The place I was getting the echo was 5 minutes away so I could always go back that afternoon if they got an appointment.
IN MY DEFENSE: chemo brain & EKG stands for an electrocardiogram, THERE IS NO K IN THERE EITHER. I am an idiot or, I don’t know. Put a fucking K in there man.
I got home, cried some more out of frustration. The nurse called about an hour later. She asked me to explain, she said no problem, don’t be hard on yourself, you’re in chemo and you’re sick, it’s ok. She called and got an appointment for 10 am on Monday, thank goodness. She said they told her it could take up to 24 hours to read and that just won’t work and told me to remind them it needs to be expedited. Kim and I were supposed to get together with Nate and Ed to celebrate Nate’s birthday in the town over but I was just not up for it, I needed more sleep and I didn’t have much of an appetite. Kim came home around 4 pm. I went upstairs to lay down and take a nap. Kim was meeting Meg and Sam for happy hours, I was not up for it. I was not hungry at all. What did I have for lunch that day? I don’t know. I had a green drink; kale, blueberries, banana, water and olive oil then i think I had eggs? I DON’T KNOW. Anyway, Kim was out until 9 pm and I still had not eaten. A few minutes later I took out some cheese and crackers and had that. Then Kim and I ate some of a peanut butter and jelly cupcake Meg and Sam brought yesterday. Mmmmm. Bedtime.
February 11th, 2017. Saturday. I woke up around 8 am. I wanted to go into work because I did not go in for two days. I made an egg sandwich for breakfast, showered, yup, then got dressed and stopped at Dunkin’. MMMMMM. I was craving a goooood iced coffeeeeeee. I got a decaf iced french vanilla light and sweet. LIKE LISTEN, I don’t recommend a light and sweet coffee from Dunkin’ ever, but I have cancer so, too bad. Shit was gooooooood. Got to work and worked for about 4-5 hours. Called Kim on the way home. We were celebrating Valentine’s Day early because I have chemo that day. It is also our three year anniversary, eyes roll, ugh. He said, do we have plans later? Ummmmm, did you make reservations for anything tonight? No? HUH? I made them for tomorrow. SUNDAY, WHY SUNDAY? I thought you said Sunday? NO I SAID NOT SUNDAY. Aye carumba. Ok, I will call and see if they can change it. But it’s Saturday on Valentine’s weekend. He called, they “had a reservation”. I got home and took another nap. Showered, put a full face of make up on, red wigged it, dress and SPARKLEY heels. We got there at 7:10 pm, don’t worry, because we didn’t sit until 7:50 pm, THERE WASN’T REALLY A RESERVATION. Everyone was waiting, lordy. Oh well, we sat down, BREAD, YUM, COKE YUM. Dinner was good. Split eggplant rollatini, it was good, then I got seafood ravioli, it was decent. Of course we got dessert, I got a lemon tart, it was decent, but it came with this watermelon sorbet, it was goooooooood. Kim got a chocolate molten cake, he loveddddd it. We were home by 10 pm. Night.
February 12th, Sunday. Woke up around, 8 am but stayed in bed until about 9:30 am I think? I just did not want to get out of bed. Sigh. I got up, threw laundry in, made two eggs, corn muffins, the end of them, and a cup of coffee. It was yummy. Kim got up and had some breakfast. We watched The Kitchen the other day and they made this. We have a family chat with all the kids and significant others in Kim’s family, 8 of us. Majority of us watched the episode and were all talking about the bombe SO WE MADE IT as a surprise. Long story short, it was pretty epic, looked exactly like theirs on the outside however we did not have enough time for the ice cream to set which was a fear but it was still pretty gooooood. It was a good Sunday.
In honor of Valentine’s Day, I would like to share a little something with you. Kim and I have not always been a smooth couple. Around 5 months of dating, one of us wanted to communicate our love for the other person and didn’t know how, hi, so it came out like word vomit and the other didn’t know how to respond. Then we were not on the same page and we actually took a “break” from seeing each other for about 2 months. We talked everyday with one whole week not talking at one point and then we got back together, moved slowly, communicated MUCH more and learned a lot about each other. The break was kind of like this chemo. It was horrendous, I lost 20 pounds (well that was kind of enjoyable), I felt lost and confused however it made us who we are today. Kim did not know how to communicate how he felt about me at alllllllllllllllllll. In those two months, he told me he loved me every single day. He would not give up on us. I just needed time. I needed time to believe he didn’t tell me he loved me because I cried honestly. I wrote a secret blog post I never published but shared with Hillary. It was a little release. Today is the day I share it with all of you, ya lucky goons. Enjoy.
“I remember the exact night it happened. We had been dating for, maybe four months? Can someone fall in love that quickly? I am not sure, but who is to really say. It was the night of the NFL draft. I was sitting on the left side of the couch, he was sitting on the right side of the couch. I think he was wearing a blue sweatshirt with jeans. The sweatshirt was one of those that zipped down to mid chest level. He looks so good in those. He was wearing a baseball hat, as he always does. Of course I did not really have any interest in the NFL draft or looking at Johnny whatever his name is the entire time, but I was with him so, I would watch anything. I felt so calm that night. He was happy, I was happy, we were happy.
I think people fall in love at different times. What is love? I don’t know? Hormones?
At first, I thought it was just hormones, because I grew up on science. After the first night I fell in love, I kind of tried to brush it off. Just hormones, just hormones, just hormones, too fast, too soon, too soon. Now I know it is more than just hormones. Yes, there are hormones that are running through your body that make you feel things but, it is so much more than that. It’s the way they look at you. It’s the way they put both of their hands on your head and just hold it there so they can look at you for five seconds before they kiss you. It’s that feeling that runs from his lips to yours, then your lips to his. It’s the way they touch you and it’s electric. It’s when they do so many dishes for you after you made dinner, even when you didn’t know they could do dishes. It’s when you forget for a second that you aren’t married and ask in such a casual tone, “what sports do you think our kids will play?”.
I wrote Kim a letter and read it to him during our Valentine’s Day dinner. I can’t share EVERYTHING with you guys, I mean, I do, but, you can imagine what it said. Something like, “everyone who reads the blog tells me how amazing you are. I need to tell you, you are amazing. You have a 28 year old bald girlfriend and you deal with it with so much grace. I don’t understand marriage 100% but what I do know is I can’t wait for the day I stand next to you as Kim Stires Jr.’s wife, it will be a true honor”.
Kim & I; our first official picture, in the house we live in together now.