I feel lucky.

I feel lucky.

February 16, 2017. Thursday. Woke up around 8 am, was afraid to get out of bed for my feet to hurt. I was fidgeting around trying to feel it out. I finally got up. It was not bad! Thank goodness. I really feared that I would have pain like that for three months straight. I think it was a fluke or something, or maybe it was just because the day after? I don’t know. Took a shower, I think I have been showering a lot, and I think I deserve some props. Props to Kay. Got dressed, stopped at Quick Chek and got an italian sub for lunch again. I think I was craving it because I had the one that Bek brought, it justttttttt wasn’t the same. I got to work and then I ate half the sub. I just wasn’t feeling it, threw the rest out. I got some BBQ potato chips, just was not feeling those either, had about 5 chips and called it a day. I brought some iced tea and water so I was drinking that. I left around 4 pm and while driving home ate some peanut butter pretzels, had a few.

We were going to Meg and Sam’s for dinner that night, Taco Thursday! Got there around 6:30 pm. Sam had chicken, peppers, ground beef, tomatoes, cheese, sour cream, corn salsa, hot sauce, allllll the fixings, exactly how I like it. I made a whole wheat soft taco with beef, cheese and sour cream. I ate it pretty slow. My stomach is just messed up in a different way. I was trying to explain it to Hillary and Bek. When I was doing AC treatment, I could not go to the bathroom without miralax and I just felt like the food was piling up in my stomach and all I wanted was sugar because I feel like it just got directly absorbed. This time, I am going(ggg) each morning, I don’t crave anything and when I do eat, I can only take 5-10 bites before I get full and then my stomach will hurt about an hour or two later. I feel like I get nauseous every night. Sigh. We ate dinner then some dessert then watched some VPR. Around 9 pm it was time for Kay to go home and go to sleeeeeeeeep. When we were leaving I told Kim I felt really nauseous. We got home, I got changed, went to the bathroom and got sick (it wasn’t your food Sam!!!). It’s almost like before everything was getting absorbed and now nothing is. WTF. I just need to eat very small amounts, often, as I should normally. I feel like I am eating like Ed. He eats a bite every ten minutes while I am over here finishing 5 courses in ten minutes. Not for the next three months apparently. It will be okay for my waste line though because Kay was feeling chubby, as you know. Sleeps time.

February 17, Friday. Work, work, work, work, work. Did I stop at Quick Chek again? I think I did, jeez. Got another sub, why though if yesterday was not even good? WAIT NO I DIDN’T. I stopped at Dunkin’ Donuts for a sausage, egg and cheese on an english muffin, yes, yes. My mind is pretty foggy. Kim sent me a picture last night of crackers being in the fridge. LOL. I put crackers in the fridge, because, chemo brain. I giggled a lot. Anyway, I ate the sandwich in the car on the way to work quickly because if I didn’t my stomach would hurt. When I was 3/4 of the way through, yup, my stomach hurt. Took a short break  and powered through. Oh how times have changed, TRYING to finish things when two weeks ago Kim couldn’t pry something out of my hands. Hey, at least it’s balance? Got to work. I had a lot to do. Yesterday was overwhelming. 

As you know, I love work. I love it and I love doing it well. I feel like I could be doing better, but, I have cancer, but that’s not an excuse in my book. I just felt very unorganized and my desk was a mess. It’s so weird, my room, my closet, those can be a mess but my desk, it hurts me.

Side note: yesterday dad e-mailed me when I was feeling very overwhelmed at work and annoyed with myself. I was about to e-mail him back with a little bit of “ARGHHHHHHHH I’M ANNOYED” but then my apple watch said it was time to breathe! LOL NO, SO UNNECESSARY, BUT COME ON, KIND OF COOL. So I did a breathing exercise for one minute that it walks you through and wrote the e-mail. It was more like “argh I’m annoyed” then he told me about how he got something back at work where someone found mistakes and he was feeling the same thing. We are twinsies. HE’S GOING THROUGH A LOT TOO SIR OR MA’AM.

Side note again: Dad doesn’t read the blog, like I said before, just too hard. Multiple coworkers of his read the blog as we have met (Hi Mollie!) and they ask about me so he sends them the blog. One of them said it is not for the faint of heart, true Daniel, true. I e-mailed him back a simple e-mail this morning from my apple watch. I forgot that it says “from Apple Watch”  like your phone says “from iPhone”. I didn’t tell him that I bought it and he didn’t know I wanted one but his coworker told him yesterday that he should buy it for me because I talked about wanting it, LOL. Funny I think.

Anyway, worked until about 4 pm, time to go home. I was sleeping at my mom’s tonight. Kim was having a guys night that I was really excited for him. I didn’t have to sleep at my moms but I just wanted Kim to be able to go out to dinner, go out to the bar, come home and not have to worry about little cancer Kay. He doesn’t think like that, or maybe part of him did that night, and that’s really, really okay, his life is really hard too. When my mom went through cancer, it was really, really, really hard for me and I was not even the one who was sick. Being sick like this is extremely hard on your loved ones because you often feel like you cannot do anything to help. When they cry, you just need to let them cry. When they eat 37 M&M’s sometimes you just need to let them eat 37 M&M’s. No, just me, ok then. Anyway, it was my idea to go down to my mom’s, she always loves when I stay there, two birds, one stone. 

I got home from work and started cleaning. I may or may not have had 5-7 pairs of shoes in the family room. LISTENNNNN, I come home, I sit down on the couch, I take my shoes off, they sit under the coffee table (and don’t look too bad under there if I may say so myself) and then it turns into 5-7 pairs. No, there is no excuse, I am a lazy person, I have an entire room closet upstairs. AN ENTIRE ROOM IS MY CLOSET. I will show you pictures one day. I am just, I am a lazy person, with or without cancer, there would still be 5-7 pairs of shoes under the coffee table. Rebeka would never allow that, neither would my mother, Kim is a guy so he lets it happen and then says, “THERE ARE 5-7 PAIRS OF CAITLIN’S SHOES IN THE FAMILY ROOOOOOOOM”. Sir, you should have said this when there were 2 pairs, then there wouldn’t be 7. Legit, there were 7. Blaming him, LOL.

Anyway, I put Now You See Me 2 on in my closet room and started hanging things up, putting away shoes where they are supposed to be, placing my wigs in areas where they will not be seen by Kim’s friends, ya know, the usual. I went down to my moms around 7 pm with a delicious salad waiting for me (I wanted to stop and get a burger but I didn’t and I knew I would have 2 bites and be done). It had almonds, cranberries, gorgonzola cheese, tomatoes and grilled chicken with a house dressing. The bread was amaze. I had about 30% of it before calling it quits. Mom and I were watching tv in her bed before I head into my room. I watched The Boss. It was kind of really bad, but not like those, so bad it’s good types, but kind of? I wouldn’t recommend it but, if there is nothing to watch, then you should. I get a text from Kim around 10 pm of a picture of steak “bringing this home to you”. Night, night.

February 18, 2017. Saturday. It was going to be 60 degrees here. Woke up around 8 am but laid in bed for a while. It was just so comfy. Edited the blog and posted it as well. I was going to let Kim just be hung over today, not even bother him, just go on with my plans for the day and call him on my way home. The kid was texting up a storm at 9:30 am (and I enjoyed it thoroughly, he did miss little cancer Kay). I think it was the calm before the hangover storm (yes, it was as confirmed later). I got dressed, put ma red wig on and was meeting Rebeka for brunch at Cheesecake Factory, love this place. I was not sure what I wanted. I had a piece of toast with butter and honey at mom’s and wasn’t really craving anything specific. I was thinking eggs. The waiter came over and read the specials, baked potato soup, made me say mmmmmm, I mean look at it!

I got the cup because I knew I wasn’t going to be able to eat a lot, and an unsweetened mango iced tea. It was reallyyyyy good. It was a bowl, but a cup. They called it a cup, but it was a bowl, the actual bowl must have been HUGE, hence obesity in America. The tea was delicious too. We were seeing Fifty Shades Darker. Listen, I know it’s stupid, it’s not great production, blah, blah, blah, but Bek and I loved the books and we will be seeing every movie for pure entertainment. Bek also had AMC gift cards, winning. After the movie, which is in the mall, we went shopping. I was looking for the Aerosole store, apparently it’s not there anymore, sigh. So we went to Macy’s, after stopping at Aerie and buying bathing suits for Bek and joggers for myself, lol, joggers, they’re cute and they were on sale by a lot and I didn’t realize until I got to the register, LOVE THAT. No one could really point us in the direction of Aerosole so we were just looking around for some decently cute loafers with padding. I got these in the purple (plum as they say) and “luggage smooth”, huh, the brown looking ones. They aren’t my styleee, but they are reallyyyyyy comfortable and I can deal with them for now and maybe they will become my style. Successful trip. By this point my blood sugar was running low and I needed a snack. We were thinking pretzels but then Bek said we should go to the food court and get samples…. perfect idea! That’s basically all I wanted to eat anyway. We got some Chinese, some sub, some Thai, cheesesteak, the yogurt place just finished their samples, darn!

It was time to head out. I called Kim on the way home, no pick up, zzz. I called mom then Kim called. Didn’t sound too hot. I stopped at the store, I was going to make chicken pot pie for dinner. I got home, grabbed a yogurt and went upstairs to relax as Kim was sprawled out watching golf on the couch. I got a text at 7 pm “honey, let’s eat”. I was not really craving anything and didn’t feel like making the pie anymore, of course. I had a banana and peanut butter and Kim ordered a pizza. The pizza came around 7:45 pm and sounded pretty good, smelled good too. I had two slices, hehe, and some caesar salad. Stomach hurt a little but not too bad after, maybe the taxol is wearing off a little. I was asleep by 10:30 pm.

February 19, 2017. Sunday. My eyes opened around 7:30 am but I laid in bed and I think fell back to sleep for a while finally getting out of bed around 9 am. Angie was coming over for brunch and a VPR marathon. I got up and started prepping for brunch. I spiralized a potato, Kim cut up some peppers for me then I finished off with some onions. I sautéed the peppers and onions in a cast iron skillet, removed them, sautéed the potatoes, removed them then added some more oil and put them all in the pan together. I scrambled 8 eggs with a little milk and put them in the cast iron skillet. I preheated the oven to 350 degrees and then put the skillet in the oven for about 15 minutes. It was yummmyyyyyy. We went for about a mile long walk because it was so nice out and my apple watch is making me feel like I really need to walk more and be more active, SEE I DO REALLY NEED IT, lolz. We got home, had some more fritatta and I made us a green smoothie with kale, cucumber, mixed berries, mango, olive oil and water. Mmmm. We were going to watch the first season of VPR but of course the Hulu wasn’t working, eyes rolling. Angie was behind on recent VPR and I can watch these episodes 100 times over so we watched that then some Summer House. Ugh, Bravo is life.

Angie left around 5 pm. Kim was golfing, so was everyone else in the world apparently. He said he would be home around 7 pm. I was making the chicken pot pie tonight. Did I tell you he’s never had it?! Love me some chicken pot pie. I wanted to start cooking around 5:30 pm. I always need to give myself a start time for things; dinner, shower, run, literally everything. Kim thinks I am a weirdy, reason number 756. I was watching Unfriended. Have you seen it? It’s soooo bad but like a car crash. 6 friends are skyping and one of their friends committed suicide because a video one of them posted online and now she is back to kill them all. If you like scary movies, it’s kind of entertaining. No, I like it, ok fine. I was watching that then it was time to cook. The Apple cloud is amazing. I never really understood it but I had pictures of the chicken pot pie recipe on my phone and Kim and I have our iPad on the kitchen ledge for cooking/recipes. So I just went into the photos on the iPad and they were already there. WHAT, HOW, WHAT. Yes, Apple obsession. So I got to cooking. Chicken pot pie is so easy, I need you to make it. I used this recipe.  Mmmmm. Kim came home at 7 pm on the dot and the pie was just coming out of the oven. I let it sit for 15 minutes before serving. It was goooooood. Kim really enjoyed it too. He said we should make it a weekly thing, CHA CHING. Kim’s pretty hard to impress with food since Pat is quite the chef.

They said this treatment would be easier than AC and thus far it is. The side effects are different but there is no extreme exhaustion and tears, tears, tears. Of course there are tears but not the same kind. The other day I started crying on the way home from work because I was thinking about how truly lucky I am. Isn’t that weird? I do feel lucky. I feel lucky to have found this cancer myself (up to you ladies), I am lucky to be getting the best treatment out there and I mostly feel lucky for the people I have around me.  I feel like I am living again, cooking, going on walks, getting out of the house. My life is really, really good other than this little thing called cancer but if I can feel like this now, shit, I can’t wait for life in the future.

Thank you to everyone around me, thinking about me, praying for me, texting me, bringing us food, reading this blog, learning something about yourself, helping someone else, going to the doctor because of this, doing something for yourself, appreciating your life a little bit more. If my life is good right now, yours is too. If not, change it!!!!!!!


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