February 20th, 2017. Monday. I set an alarm for the first time in a while. I wanted to get to work “early” to get a good day in. I set my alarm for 7 am and got out of bed at 7:30 am, showered, left for work at 8:30 am. I got in by 9:10 am, no traffic, hi President’s Day. Love it. I had a lot of work to do, as always. I ate a peanut butter and jelly on english muffin on the way to work. Around 1 pm I warmed up some left over chicken pot pie. It was prettyyyyy heavy. I was trying to work 8 hours but around 5.5 hours I was not feeling, well, nauseous and was tiiiiiiiiired. I left at 3:10 pm. Called Kim, he just got home from the chiropractor. Got home around 4 pm and went directly on the couch. I was in rare form. At one point I was on the floor in between the coffee table and couch with my jacket on and blanket on. It was quite comfy.
Bryanna and Scott brought over homemade rice balls, meatballs, sauce and pasta, YUM. Rice balls are life. We noshed on that right away. I was really sleepy. I went upstairs and was watching Guys Grocery Games waiting for Worst Cooks in America to start. I never really watch shows when they originally air, but this show I do. Love it. I was in my sleeping position, on my stomach with my head to the right with my right leg up parallel to my hip. Everyone has pre-sleeping positions right? My eyes were closed when I heard Kim coming down the hallway. Opened my one eye. It was around 9:45 pm at this point. Thennnnn I was up. Kim and I are the cuddly, faces touching, bodies intertwined, kissing couple. In public? Nah, I don’t think so, some PDA but nothing over the top. One of my favorite things in life is when he wakes up early in the morning, takes one of his feet and searches for one of mine and makes sure that we are touching before he falls back to sleep. Sigh, in a content type of way.
February 21st, 2016. Tuesday. Ah chemo, we meet again. It was an early day, start time of 8 am. I set my alarm for 7 am and of course snoozed. I got up around 7:15 am, washed my face and got my comfy clothes on. Kim was still asleep. We had to leave by 7:35 am to actual be on time. He said last week when we were late that I need to treat him like a child on mornings like this. Your wish is my command sir.
- 7:25 am – Kim, 10 minutes!
- 7:27 am – Honey, 8 minutes!!
- 7:30 am – KIM, 5 MINUTES.
- 7:32 am – KIM BERGEN STIRES, WE HABE TO LEAVE IN 3 MINUTES.
And he’s up. Teeth brushed, clothes thrown on, coffee made, we were out the door by 7:37 am. Got there at 8 am on the dot. Kim went off to get us bagels. He asked if I like to do the same thing each chemo day, maybe I do. However, we decided that the bagel place just isn’t up to par and we need to find a new one.
I went in, sat down and was called in for labs five minutes later. Just a finger stick this time. I told the woman I had my port all numbed and ready with the cream and she looked at me with an, uhhhh, face. Then she went outside and whispered to someone who seemed like they were in charge and said, “she has a port”, the woman in charge replied, “nope, just finger stick today”. I like it when people know what’s going on. Simple finger stick and I was ready to go. I went upstairs and checked in. I requested Lalkha and suite 10, they said they would see what they could do. Kim arrived 5 minutes later with the bagels. I had half of my cinnamon raisin bagel with (extra) cream cheese and jelly, they were a little skimpy on the cc last time. Again, it was good, not great. We got called in maybe around 8:30 am. I was not seeing the doctor or NP today and I won’t next week either. This is a good sign I guess. I am okay with it. They always call you back if you need them.
We got called in and were told we were going to suite 10 (woot) with Christine (Kristin?, sigh), Lalkha, where you at? We passed Lalkha sitting at a desk on our way in. LALKHA I said, she asked what we were doing there so early. Ask the schedule person! She had just been given someone. Oh well. We got the cubicle, not suite, with a view which was nice. Christine or Kristin came in and introduced herself, she was nice. Came in, put the IV in my port and got it going. Started the steroid, done. Started the benadryl and antiemetic, done. Time for taxol, one hour left. Kim loved her, he said “all work, no play, in and out”. Blah, blah, blah. I was asleep in a few minutes. Next thing I knew, “Caitlin, you’re all done”. Who dare wake me from my slumber. Oh, it’s over, cool. We were out of there by 10:45 am. Not bad, not bad, not bad. I mean, it’s terrible, but a quick day when last week was the longest ever. Went home, got in bed, finished my bagel and maybe finished Kim’s bagel and maybe had some of this, thank youuuuu steroid, and Kim for picking them up for me and probably himself but he only got one bite, whoops. I think I dozed off. Throughout the day I had a couple stomach issues, yeah, thattttttt kind, and baddddddd. Can’t believe it hit my stomach that hard that quickly. I went downstairs around 5 pm I think and it was time for dinner. Someone sent us three meals via Blue Apron (thank you Laura!). It had cheeseburgers, yummmmm. We made them, had salad, noshed, and it was time to relax again, of course. Don’t remember the rest of the night. Sleeps.
February 22, 2017. Wednesday. I think I woke up around 4 am, peed, then went back to sleep. Woke up feeling pretty good. Got into work around 10 am, leaving at 4 pm. Pat was stopping over with some goodies including dinner, fresh bread, snacks, gatorade, yumz. I ended up eating more rice balls and a meatball for dinner with the fresh bread, yum. It was only 6 pm at this point and I was feeling tired however was craving frozen yogurt. Kim is always up for fro-yo. We went off. I always get the original tart flavor, I either go “healthy” with some almonds, granola, coconut, yogurt chips and strawberries or go all out with candy, candy, candy. I went for the first one. It was good, not as good as I remember, I think my tastebuds are off. Got home and I had a couple more hours of work to do. My eyes were hurrrrrrting. I was tiiiiiiiiired. Sigh. I got in bed and got to work. It hurt but I did it. I was at the point where I was so tired but I couldn’t fall asleep, does that happen for real? It happened. Eventually, I think around 10:30-11 pm I fell asleep.
February 23, 2017. Thursday. Woke up around 6:30 am feeling really happy I hard more time to sleep but already felt like I needed a lot more. The exhaustion is different than with the AC treatment. I told Hillary, I feel deoxygenated. My hemoglobin only went down my 0.1 before treatment but I have a feeling it dropped even more. My WBC dropped from 7.2 to 3.9 which is just below the goal of 4. You can actually look on your MSK app and ask questions and they will message you back on the app, technology. I asked if it was a concern and less than 12 hours later the nurse said it is not that low and it’s pretty good, they also look at my Absolute Neutrophil count which was normal.
Anyway, they are doing construction across the street and I don’t think they could have been using more machines at once. Holy crap. It was 8 am and I needed to get up. BUT I DID NOT WANT TO. Kim actually got up, he has not been out of bed before me in, a really long time. It’s weird, when Kim is working, he is out of bed before me most of the time, when he is off, I am out of bed before him most of the time. We have two different types of lives between him working and not, it is interesting. Ummm, ok, still didn’t want to get out of bed, I thought maybe I shouldn’t (should have listened to my body). I got up at 8:30 am, teeth, face, clothes on, wig on, done. Kathleen was dropping off food before heading to work, she’s a true doll. She dropped of dish that was bow tie pasta, chicken, olives, roasted yellow and red tomatoes, beans with fresh mozzarella balls, LIKE HELLO YUM, TWO mini apple pies and 4 beers, she said for Kim as he may need it, uhh, yup, he does. I immediately packed it for lunch. Yum. I left for work after sitting down on the chair in the family room for 3 minutes feeling like I was in a pure cloud. It was time to go. Kim knew I was feeling off. Kisses, kisses, and kisses. I’m off.
On my way to work I realized I forgot my phone. Sigh. I sent my boss, Hillary and Kim an e-mail letting them know. Actually, Kim sent me an e-mail first with a picture of my phone and hat on the stairs. I put my phone down and threw my hat off while putting my wig on. My e-mail to Hillary read “Subject:Forgot my phone….. and if I wasn’t so bald I would forget my wig”, that’s true. I had a meeting at 1 pm I was waiting for, I couldn’t stay much longer than that, holy shit. Got work done, it was 2 pm and it was time to go.
I got home, opened the door, walked through the family room while Kim was doing work on the couch “pretend I am not here, I need to go to bed, I just need to get in bed, please” knowing that he would want to talk, hug, kiss, do cute shit. Ugh. He got up immediately, followed me, asking for a little kiss and “maybe just a little hug??” and starting hugging me lightly and jokingly making me laugh, which of course I needed. He is everything I ever need. He seemed to be in a good mood and I knew I was going to ruin it at some point today. He accomplished a big feat with his PGA work. I went upstairs, he didn’t follow me at first. I wanted to get my eye mask so I went back downstairs and thennnn he was following me. No like, I love it, I sound like I don’t, it’s just funny when I think about how much stuff he does that is funny and makes me happy. He walked me upstairs, asked what I needed, “Window open? Shade closed? Fan on? TV on? What channel?” all the right questions. I put my eye mask on.
I got up and went downstairs, it was around 5 pm. I felt a little better I guess, I just feel off. I had slippers, my robe and a hat on. I was craving chocolate. Why? I went down and got some cheese and crackers and started to munch while Kim was watching golf. He looked at me and said, “you’re just living the dream”. Stuff like that just, just makes me feel… I can’t explain it. I said to him, “you think I am living the dream? You think I want to be feeling like this and being like this right now??”. I took it too deep, but that’s just where it goes. He knew. He went out to his car to grab something and I went upstairs. One of the worst things you can say to someone when you go through this is “you have no idea what I am going through!”. It’s true, you don’t, but it’s not your fault and I hope you never have to know. Like I said in my last post, I know how he feels, he is in misery as well. It sucks on all ends. He came upstairs and I couldn’t hold it in. Tears fell… “you hurt my feelings, when you say stuff like ‘you’re living the dream’, that hurts my feelings, do you think I am living the dream right now?”…. “no, I just thought you looked comfortable” … “well, I am not, I am in hell”… and then regret …. “I know you are in hell too, this entire thing is hell, I know it is really hard for you as well, I am sorry”. Sigh. This sucks for everyone involved. Like he meant I looked comfortable in my robe, RELAX KAY. He went back downstairs for a while and I felt bad. I went downstairs and sat on the couch and said sorry. He said, for what honey? I said “I’m sorry for before”, tears started falling, “I’m sorry you have to deal with me, it will all be over soon”.