March 12, 2017. Sunday. Havana and I were up around 8 am. I got all wrapped up because it was freeeeeeezing and we went for a walk. I completely forgot about the time change, especially because everything basically changes on its own; my watch, phone, cable box. I only noticed when I looked at the stove and it was an hour earlier. Weird. Havana’s dad came around 10:30 am to pick her up. I was heading to work. I did not want to go attttttt allllllllllllll. I technically didn’t have to, I mean it was Sunday after all however I want to make sure my presence is still felt at my buildings. When I say “my buildings”, my company has 25 long term care/sub acute care buildings that we place dietitians in. It’s my job to make sure everything is going smoothly, manage, teach, audit, fill in, etc. So I went back and forth on whether or not I wanted to go in. Literally, back and forth, back and forth. I was feeling, meh, depressed a little. I just didn’t want to do anything at all however, I knew I had to get out of the house. I finally left around 11 am, got into work, got work done. Ew, side note, just thinking about how I felt that day makes me feel blehhhh.
Anywayyyyy, I left work around 4 pm, still feeling, bleh. Called Kim, he was taking a shower. We were going to his mom’s for dinner. I walk in the house and my mood just changes. Kim literally makes everything better and I just don’t know how. I turn into a different person. I’m smiling, my negative thoughts go away and he makes my life so much better. I hope we have this for a long time to come. I feel like every time I walk in the house it’s like we are in that 6 month honeymoon period (which is really, real people) and when I leave the house it’s like he doesn’t want me to go, AND I HAVE FUCKING CANCER. Shit life is good even when it’s terrible. We are the type of people who show each other our love through hugs, kisses, etc. Some people just aren’t like that and it’s okay as long as you show your love and appreciation for one another in some other way. Maybe this cancer thing will make all this last a bit longer. I want to be 40, 50, 60, 70, 80 holding hands at all times we are close to each other, because why not?
We went to Kim and Pat’s for dinner. Pat and I were watching the food network yesterday morning and the Pioneer woman was making shepherds pie and we were texting each other saying how good it would be, and she made it! It was soooo good. She also made steamed green beans and roasted carrots, yum. Of course there were brownies. Sam really wanted ice cream so he ran to the closet quick check. We took bets on how long it would take him. He was running the entire time and ran back in the house, I think it took him something like 5 minutes and 20 seconds, pretty impressive. Pat made us a dish of chicken parm to make during the week, yum. We left around 8:30 pm. I had to be up early for work.
March 13, 2017. Monday. I was off to Poughkeepsie again today. I was planning on getting up really early because I was trying to get my chemo treatment moved from tomorrow to tonight because of the big storm coming. I had sent a message via the MSK app this weekend to scheduling however I didn’t hear anything back. I called around 9 am Monday morning to see if I can get it changed. I only know that this is possible (changing days) because they are doing it to me on the 28th, to the 27th. I didn’t leave as early as I wanted to to get into work, I got in at 9:30 am. I got a call around 11 am from MSK, they asked if I could be in at 3 pm, I said no, I am an hour and a half away (and still had work to do, like hello). I said I could do 4:30 pm. She said she will check with the chemo group and call me back. She called around 12:30 pm saying they will take me for blood at 4 pm and chemo at 4:30 pm, ok, I can do this. WORK. Sigh.
I left work around 2:45 pm racing home from freakin’ Poughkeepsie to get to chemo before the storm. This is my life. Like wow, life would just be so much easier without all this shit, obviously, but, what will I fill my time with when this is all over??? It’s a weird feeling. My life revolves around having cancer, getting treatment and going to the doctor. Oh, and being bald. Oh and wishing, hoping, begging for this treatment to work. The next phase will be surgery, radiation, reconstruction (which we will slowly start to get into, I am not there yet but I know it is approaching and it is WEIRD). Then after that, I just go back to living life? WEEEEIRRRRDDDD. The phases of this all is super interesting. Oh, and a fucking amazing vacation too, maybe five.
I call my mom on the way home from Poughkeepsie then Kim. He was working but was going to make sure he was home by 3:45 pm, because he is my savior. I didn’t even go in the house, picked Kim up at 3:45 pm right in front of the house and we are off to chemo. You know what that means? No numbing cream on my port site, cringe. We got there at 4:03 pm, cha ching. Kim was starving and there is a Chipotle on the way in so he dropped me off and went to get a burrito and chips (by my request). I scarfed down two pieces of pizza on the way down because I was also starving. I got my blood taken and Kim was already back waiting for me outside. We went upstairs. It was not nearly as packed as I though it would be. I thought it was going to be crazyyyyy, nope. It wasn’t. We got called in around 5 pm. We had a different suite this time, it was smaller but it was a single one, compared to the others that have a glass panel between you and another suite, WEIRD AGAIN WHY. It was weird small though, like it was Kim, me, the nurse and it was cramped. Anyway. I had my wig on for the first time during chemo because I was coming from work, funny. The port was placed, it definitely was different and you could feel it being pushed in there but it was not bad at all. I won’t do the numbing cream anymore, it’s annoying. Meds started, wig off. I said to my nurse when she came back, “hi, it’s still me, I just have no hair now, don’t worry”, lol, I think I am so funny. The chair I had this time was remote controlled, compared to manual, so Kim was putting my feet up and down and my head up and down, most people would think it’s annoying, which after a while it was, but, it was pretty funny.
I was blogging during treatment, my benadryl dose was halved from 50 mg to 25 mg so I don’t really fall asleep anymore, I do lay back at times. I had to get my lupron shot, the one I get every 4 weeks to shut down my ovaries to just have another step of protection for them for the potential of babies in the future. I haven’t had my period in…… since I started treatment, it’s pretty awesome. The hot flashes aren’t fun, and I hope my ovaries wake up again, but there are so many things to talk about later about that as well. I still have to get my genetic testing done to see if I am BRCA1 positive and any other things positive that will put me at a high risk for other cancers, such as ovarian in which I will have to decide if I want to just monitor every 6 months in hope I don’t get ovarian cancer or make the decision to get a hysterectomy and never have babies of my own, at the ripe age of 28 years old. JUST SO CASUAL I HAVE TO DECIDE THIS. I mean, maybe I will be negative for everything and I won’t be at higher risk, but then why the FUCK did this happen? So many thoughts, it’s for another blog. It will be titled, “all my crazy thoughts”. Sigh.
My nurse left before my treatment was over so the nurse I had before a few times, Lalka, was coming to give me my shot. I said, nooooooo, I don’t want itttttttt, joking, but not of course. She came over, I pulled my butt out, yup, in the butt, and it was done, easier than last time. Also, after the fact, she told us she was nervous because the last time she gave the shot to a guy, because it can be used for prostate cancer as well, she said she hit a blood vessel and their was blood all over the floor and she was nervous. Thanks for telling me that after Lalka! We were out of there by 7 pm. Now, 7 more to gooooooooo. We went home and, what did we have for dinner, hmmmmm. I don’t think we ate because Kim had a burrito that I had a few bites of? I don’t know. It was beddy time.
March 14 2017. Tuesday. YOU’RE GONNA GET 12-24 INCHES OF SNOW, OMG, BE CAREFUL, AHHHHHH. No, we got like 8, MAYBE 12, but not nearly as bad as they thought. I worked from home. Actually, did I? No I think I just relaxed because, well, I had chemo last night, and usually I would be off anyway. It was kind of nice to just relax. Oh, we had a Stires family breakfast cook off. I think I’ve said in the past, all of us are in a chat, Kim and his sister and two brothers and all the significant others. We talk about some weird shit but it’s funnnnnnny. Someone suggested a breakfast cook off and of course we were in. I could not get out of bed though. I didn’t get out of bed until 10 am, breakfast submissions were due by 11 am, GET UP. I’ve been wanting to make a dutch baby, which is like a big pancakes/egg thing, really easy. I used this recipe, minus the cherries and almonds. So, while I was making that, Kim was cutting up some peppers and taking control of the omelet. I cut up some pineapple and pomegranate for a fruit salad and then we made a blueberry topping yumminess for the top of the dutch baby; fresh blueberries, OJ, water and sugar, put it over medium heat and bring to a boil and stir and the blueberries should pop eventually. It was gooooooood. I think we won but I am not sure (GREG JEEZ). The rest of the day consisted of watching Passengers, pretty good, I would recommend it, laying around and relaxing. Love it.
March 15, 2017. Wednesday. Worked from home today. I felt good most of the day. When 3 pm came around, I started feeling reallllllllly tired. Like tired before like I felt during the AC treatment, it was weird. I took a shower and put some make up on, Meg and Sam were coming over for dinner tonight. I got in bed, Kim was coming home at 4 pm. I had to take my car out of one of the garage by 6 pm because the town let us park in the garage because of the storm and the other garage that we usually park in was full. Kim called, reminded me to move my car and said he was on his way home. I said ok, I will do it. He asked if he should just do it. I said no, I need to get out of the house. Kim came home, I was still in my bed in my robe, bald. Honeyyyyyy, and the tears started. I haven’t cried in a whileeeeeeeeee. “It’s cold, I am so tired of the cold, I am tired, I don’t know why I am tired, I just, I’m tired and I want warmth”… “this is going to pass honey, it will get better it’s okay you are tired”. Kim was going to get the car but I said I wanted to (because he does everything). I said, “can we go together?”, he said of course. I’m like a little baby bird who just needs to be helped. He followed me around while I got dressed and cried. We were ready to go. We left and got the car. Meg and Sam came over around 6:15 pm. We were eating the chicken parm Pat made with some pasta (with fresh parsley that Kim just loves and thinks makes a dish). It was quite yummyyyyyyy. We got on the couch, they were all doing some kind of baseball bracket thing, I don’t know. Sam made funfetti cookies and they brought over Talenti vanilla bean ice cream and we made ice cream sandwiches. Oh, I am back on ice cream, memz after I had that overdose, that was a real problem. They left, Kay to sleeps.