Life is a roller coaster, hold on tight.

Life is a roller coaster, hold on tight.

March 16, 2017. Thursday. I was up and out of the house by 8 am, getting up to Poughkeepsie by 9:30 am. Got to work. My boss was coming up and we were interviewing for placement at this building. Took up most of my day. I kept working until about 6:30 pm and was home by 8 pm. Twelve hour day y’all and I didn’t hate it, although I was pretty exhausted by the end. I got home, walked in the house, didn’t eat much that day so was hungry. Kim was out with the guys watching some basketball, I told him to eat, have fun, no worries, I will be home late. I was walking in the house and he called, he was walking back from the bar. He was walking by all the food places asking if he should get me anything. I wasn’t really craving anything and didn’t want him to pick up anything I would have two bites of. He asked if I wanted an egg sandwich, when in doubt, we both love an egg sandwich. He sent me upstairs, I stopped on the way up talking to him through the railings, not wanting to move anymore. “Get upstairs honey, go! Get in bed, I will bring you up something special”. I swear, I can’t make this shit up. I went up upstairs, changed and got in bed. Fifteen minutes later he brought up two pieces of toasted with butter and jelly and two eggs sunny side up with parsley and a blood orange cut up surrounding. The presentation was pretty amazing. He thinks putting parsley on everything makes it pretty, which I guess he right. I watched the Gilmore Girls revival before, it was pretty bad but I wanted to try it again. It was a little better but seems to just get worse as they go on. I just needed something thoughtless. It was time for sleeps.

March 17, 2017. Friday. Happy St. Patty’s day! I am pretty freakin’ Irish, Caitlin Marie O’Neill, pale AF with freckles. I was working from home today after the long day yesterday. I don’t mind working from home, it is enjoyable however I definitely could not do it all the time. It’s a little depressing. I stay in my pajamas and robe, work at the kitchen table or on the couch. Melding work and home life is difficult when your house is the place you go to relax. I think making one room, an office or something, the place where you do your work and once you leave that office you’re done, is healthy. If I worked from home full time that is what I would do. Anyway, worked until about 3 pm. Laid in bed for a good 15 minutes then got in the shower and got my life together (aka make up and wig). I felt like looking good. I did a pretty full face of make up, bronzer, eyelashes (because mine are truly dwindling), eyebrows (again, dwindling) and put three small green bows in my hair (dollar store, $0.33 each!). I don’t look good in green.

We were going to Kim’s Aunt Allison’s for a little get together for St. Patty’s, about 20 minutes away. We got there around 6 pm. There was cheese and crackers, YUM, and nuts. The corn beef, cabbage, potatoes and carrots were cooking. I’ve never really sat down for a corn beef and cabbage dinner, actually, never. Mom said she doesn’t really like it and neither does dad so we didn’t eat it. Bad Irishman! The corn beef and cabbage was goooooood. I was afraid to eat too much to be bloated the next day but it didn’t happen which is good. Pat also made these Irish bailey icing chocolate cupcakes, yum. One of Kim’s cousin’s friend (Hey Meg!) was also there and kept saying how amazing it was that I was out on a Friday night, how good I looked and couldn’t believe I was going through chemo. She was shocked, genuine and made me feel really good. Damn, you’re right Meg, it is pretty amazing. I could easily be home, in bed, under my covers, crying, but I am trying here, really hard, because knowing me, that would happen easily. I tell Hillary all the time, I am the happiest I have ever been. Is that really possible? It sounds kind of sick. Yes, cancer sucks, chemo sucks, but otherwise, my life is really, really good. It’s a weird feeling to have. We left there around 8:30-9 pm maybe? Time for bed. It was a good night.

March 18, 2017. Saturday. I was thinking about what I wanted for breakfast, last night (lol). We had Irish soda bread with dinner and I thought, mmmmm that would be good with two eggs. I think I like Irish soda bread because you put a lot (a lot) of butter on it (just me?). I woke up with pretty much no set plans other then getting together with Jan and Havana. It was a good feeling. I got up, made two eggs with a side of Irish soda bread warmed up with butter and honey. It was quite delightful.

At this time it was around 10 am maybe? It was time to get back in bed and blog. I set myself up in my bed, right in the middle with the comforter and two heavy blankets. I was watching tv and just relaxing. I really haven’t done that in a long time. I always sign into work on the weekends and this weekend I told myself NO! It was great. Jan came over around 1 pm and picked up some Pure Pita, I got the got cheese salad again, it is just so good. We hung out for a few hours then she went home. I went back upstairs and got in bed and maybe took a nap. No, no, I did. I figure I may as well relax on weekends and sleep right?? That’s what people do? My dad always worked on the weekends at the kitchen table. I never realized it was work when I was young, because I was an idiot maybe, but it just seems normal to me. Especially when you like your job.

Kim came home around 4 pm and I was just under the covers with my bald head poking out. We were going out to dinner with Meg, Sam and Kim’s parents to a bar/grill place that we have all been to before but only in the summer where they have a lot of outdoor stuff. It was pretty good. I got chicken fingers and onion rings, why though? We had fried pickles for an app which was good. I brought about 75% of mine home. We left there around 8 pm and were going back to Meg and Sam’s to hang. The other day they were drinking Truly, basically a vodka club it seems with some “natural” flavors. I wanted to have ONE. I haven’t drank since the time I did at Pat’s surprise party, but I am on a different treatment now and seem to be doing much better. So, we picked some up on the way back home. We went back and started playing this game called Dirty Minds. Google it, it’s so dirty and freakin’ weirdddddd. We left there around 10 pm, Kay getting tired. I did have one drink but literally it’s mostly water and I didn’t feel anything at all. Night.

March 19, 2017. Sunday. I was up around 9:30 am maybe? I have been staying up later than I would like and have been waking up late, wah. I was getting brunch with Melanie, Nicole and Rebeka in town around 11:30 am. I vacuumed yesterday, wait did I say that?? I VACUUMED YESTERDAY! Go me. I told Kim I would, so I did. Oh and I didn’t feel anything from the drink last night, that’s good. I got up and did a little wet swiffering action. I had a $50 gift card to a place in town that I got for my birthday (thanks Pat!) so I thought we could all go there for brunch. We all split avocado toast with bacon and scallions on top, yum, then I got the eggs benedict. I have gotten in before but, it’s just not for me. Too much stuff going on. I mean, I ate a good amount of it, don’t get me wrong. 

I am drinking coffee pretty regularly as well, mostly half cups, they don’t really affect me like they used to. I don’t feel jittery or caffeinated. I don’t know. We left there around 1 pm maybe. Mel and I live in the same townhouse complex, literally 3 doors down. Nicole’s dad got me a bunch more crackers and cheez-its, so amazing. So we brought those to my house then went back to Mel’s. Kim was relaxing on the couch watching some sports, we let him enjoy that.

Around 3:30 pm Kim and I went to Shop Rite. We were going to make steak tacos but last minute Kim wanted to make Sunny Anderson’s Nunya Business baked fried rice we saw on The Kitchen on Saturday morning. It was so easy, 3 cups of rice, 1/4 cup soy sauce, rotisserie chicken, canned of peas and carrots + 2 cloves garlic, 4 eggs and 1 cup bean sprouts scrambled and added to the rice mixture. Put in a pan and bake at 375F for 10 minutes with aluminum foil on top, then another 15 minutes without the aluminum foil. Serve with scallions, soy sauce, hot sauce, yum. We also went to the dollar store, well I did. I dropped Kim off at Home Goods, I went to the dollar store and got easter stuff, yay, and then met him there. He was already in line buying three new calphalon pans, aye carumba. They are beautiful. We got home, Kim wasn’t feeling too great so he went up to lay down. Rebeka and Melanie were still hanging out so I told them to come over for dinner. They said no, but of course they stayed for dinner. Kim and I were in the kitchen prepping and they were in the family room watching tv, “turn that garbage off kids” I said, “but mommmmmm”, lol, it was funny.

 Dinner was really good, everyone enjoyed. We also steamed some broccoli we had in the fridge as well. Next time we decided we would probably skip the baking step and rather scramble some eggs and add them to the pot with everything else. Time for sleeps, off to Poughkeepsie tomorrow.

March 20, 2017. Monday. I had packed my leftover rice from the night before. Grabbed all my things and was off to Poughkeepsie again. Nothing too eventful. Got there, did work, you know. I don’t even remember what we had for dinner that night. That’s alway sad. Let’s call this day a wash. Chemo tomorrow.

March 21, 2017. Tuesday. Chemo day. I asked Melanie if she could bring me to chemo, mom was meeting me there and Mel works in Basking Ridge. I like to try and make things easy for everyone. Got to chemo around 8 am, blood work, blogging, waiting. Mom brought me my cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese and I was just blogging and relaxing. 10:45 am, boom chemo done. It’s pretty fascinating these days. In and out these days. Give me my medicine and let me go free. I got home and was feeling the benadryl so took a nap. Kim came home and I was just relaxing. I signed into work for a few hours. Again, I forget what we had for dinner. Wait no, we were making skirt steak in the crockpot for our taco dinner tomorrow night so Tuesday we hadddddd ummmmmm, omg my mind. Chemo brain problems. Bed.

March 22, 2017. Wednesday. Woke up, was going to one of my more local buildings, an hour away, a nice break. I got in around 9:30 am for a 10 am meeting, went well. Got to work. I was leaving around 3 pm to go down to Hillary’s, she was home for a day or two. Then I was shooting up to have dinner at our place with Ed and Nate. We made the meat yesterday as I said, skirt steak, garlic, lime, cumin, yumm. We prepared some some rice, beans and corn, avocado, sautéed peppers, sour cream, refried beans, yum. Well, kim did most of it. We had small corn tortillas that we heated up. It was goooooooooood. We then watched some weird show on Netflix about food and Michael Pollan. Kim cleaned the dishes. He does everything. Sometimes I just can’t. I made sure to text him the next day saying how thankful I am for him and how he’s everything I’ve ever needed and how it’s not ok that he does everything. He responded, “I don’t mind doing everything!”. No, he’s a saint. It was time for bed.

March 23, 2017. Thursday. Back up to Poughkeesie. I got in around 10 am, I could not get out of bed. It has been a draining past few days mentally and emotionally for so many reasons. Life is reallyyyyyyyyyyyyy hard, like truly. You think you have issues, I am sure you do but shit. I reached out to my doctors office at MSK asking if there is a psychologist on staff. I have no shame asking for help and neither should you. Talking to a third party, like I said before, changed my life. You don’t have to feel THAT stressed or THAT anxious or THAT depressed in your life. Talking to someone helps and you should do it. They got back to me however I think I am going to look outside of the company to fit my needs better. I honestly don’t want to talk about what is going on in my life, I have cancer, we are treating it, they say it’s going to be ok, great, cool. I need help dealing with all my other thoughts, how to process them and how to move forward. I also think it would be healthy for me to start talking about the surgery that is coming up, still not ready to get into detail about that, HENCE need to talk to someone, hehe. Isn’t it weird, a few days ago, in this same blog, I am saying how I am the happiest I have ever been other than the chemo and cancer, and look at me now, needing to find a psychologist. THIS IS LIFE PEOPLE. I am still happy, I just, I think letting some stuff out is necessary right now.

Anyway, I had quite the day at work, QUITE, THE, DAY. I called Kim on the way home saying I want to go out to dinner. I cannot sit home one more night, too many thoughts. We texted Meg and Sam in our group chat, dinner? They are in. I wasn’t going to be home until about 6:45 pm so dinner was set for 7 pm. We got to The Office, ordered two Jameson and ginger ales and said YUMMMM. I haven’t had a Jameson and ginger ale in MONTHS, it is my drink of choice, with lime. I needed it tonight. It felt really good to let go. I actually turned my phone off as well because I needed to disconnect. We had a great night of just eating, hanging and drinking. I had about 1.5 drinks, felt it a little and then it was time for bed around 9 pm. Well, not really, Kim and I were up until about 11:30 pm. I was watching a prison show on Netflix, lol. They are just so fascinating to me. Kim made me turn it off because he didn’t want it to make me depressed. I find it more comical than anything, no offense, but it is. Sleeps.

P.S. — if you ever feel like you want to talk to a psychologist, you can always go to your insurance’s website to find someone. Find someone who specializes in what is going on with you, anxiety, depression, etc. Don’t just go to anyone. Google them, talk to them on the phone, interview them, they are going to helping you, you need to vibe with them well. You could always go to one visit and realize they aren’t for you.


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