Walking is hard.

Walking is hard.

April 11, 2017. Tuesday. Chemo day. Just norm. Chemo day. Sigh. Christine and Nicole were coming with me to chemo, they are both teachers and are on spring break. They live in Hoboken/Jersey City area so they drove together, perfect. Nicole asked if I wanted any coffee before chemo, I said no because I have never drank coffee before, but did request my usual cream cheese on a cinnamon raisin bagel. They picked me up at 7:30 am. We arrived at 8 am on the dot. I walked up to the usual check in spot. “O’Neill, Caitlin, 8/12/88”, the usual thing they ask you about 5 times each time you are there. I was expecting to get blood drawn because 1. I have always gotten blood drawn before any chemo treatment, ever, 2. It was on my MSK app schedule. I questioned the girl a few times, weird, weird, weird. I don’t like change and I don’t like when something is planned, and then it is not done. We checked in at around 8:05 am for an 8:30 am chemo session. We sat down and at our bagels, yum. It was a good one from Hoboken, crusty outside, soft inside but not too much on the inside. Hate when they are too bready.

So 8:30 am came and went. Ok, fine, but then 8:45 am, 8:50 am, everyone who came in after us kept getting called in, wtf. I go up there and ask them how much longer it will be. I just found it weird because it has never taken this long and they had already not done labs, “hi, I am just wondering how much longer it will be?” … “name?” … “O’Neill, Caitlin, 8/12/88 … I just didn’t get labs done and that’s never happened, was I even scheduled today, did you forget me?”. I was being very nice. “No, they know you are here, you are on the schedule”. Ok. About ten minutes later we are called in.

We walk in to where treatment is and she says, “ok, you are in here”. It was a bigger corner space, with large windows and a privacy thing, I am having chemo brain, drape? Like, there was privacy. The first thing that came to my head and out of my mouth, “wow, why am I in here? Is something wrong? I thought this was only for really sick people?” … I wasn’t kidding. And oh, I am really sick. We sat down. You can only have one chair in the room but two people can stay… but why can’t we just have two chairs? I sound ungrateful and I am so grateful for MSK, however today I was annoyed. Oh, and that is also WHY I got the private, corner suite … like duh. The nurse, who was pregnant, called it the “Upper East Side” … interesting. She was saying something about how I don’t need to get blood every week … ok well I have thus far. oh. Well you are in your last cycle, that’s why. So at the end of chemo, you want to monitor me less even though I am having more side effects and the chemo would affect me more? oh. She went to check with the doctor. They just didn’t want blood, I don’t know, I still think it was a mistake however she could have pulled blood from my port easily. I DON’T KNOW, WHATEVER ANYWAY.

Pepcid in, IV fluids flowing, steroid and then benadryl. I tried really hard to fight through the bendaryl and I did it, woot, woot. Taxol in. We are done. We were done by about 11:15 am. They dropped me off and I was hungry. I ate Kim’s leftover pepperoni pizza and was drinking iced tea. Nap time. I think I slept until about 2:30 pm. I got a package from Mrs. Szabo (thank you!!) that I opened when I got home from chemo, there was some GOOD STUFF; Annie’s crackers, teddy grahams, snickers, chew life savers, adult coloring book, cheez-its, it was perfect for chemo day and she said she tried to work it out like that. People are amazing. I was just in bed all day and Kim was going to golf after work I think? Yes, please, go, have fun, I am legitimately just laying here. I wasn’t sure what I wanted for dinner as I noshed pretty much all day. Kim was on his way home and said he was picking up food from an italian place, this place has amazing breadddddd. Their italian sub is amazing. I wasn’t starving but hey, I will take it. He picked it up and got home between 7-7:30 pm. I came down stairs and we ate. I asked if the guys stayed and ate at the club and he said yes. I told him he should have stayed and eaten, I am fine. He said he wanted to come home to me. Sigh.

I didn’t stay downstairs long. I was tired. Back up to bed for me. Night.

April 12, 2017. Wednesday. I was off today. I woke up, had some coffee, relaxed in bed I think? I honestly don’t remember. I went down to Branchburg, was going with mom to a doctor appointment at around 1 pm. I don’t remember what I ate for breakfast, hmmmm. We ran a few errands then Mar wanted a burger from McDonald’s, I told myself I wouldn’t eat anymore fast food because I have just been eating it too much. I got their banana strawberry smoothie. It was pretty good, not great, probably has some added sugar but, it wasn’t bad. I left and went to Wegmans. I truly forgot how great Wegmans was. We just got something in the mail stating they are hiring for the one near us, YAHOOOOOO. It’s literally 10 minutes away. I texted Kim asking what he was feeling for dinner and suggested tacos, he is always down for tacos. I got peppers, seasoning, tortillas, sour cream, refried beans, avocados and we had meat, onions and some other stuff at home. Ugh I think I was hungry because this dinner was just extravagant. I mean, I was hungry. I sauteed the peppers and onions, combined corn, black beans and jalapeno, made the meat and had a bunch of toppings. Kim walked in and it was prepared. Love doing that for him now that I can. Feels good.

However he walked in with a mean mug on. No, not really, but he was crank-yyyyyyyyyy. BUT I JUST SLAVED OVER THE STOVE FOR YOU. That’s kind of how I felt. We ate dinner, cleaned up and then we walked to the local Rite-Aid to get Kim some medicine. We got advil sinus, he’s having head issues. I think it’s allergies. He doesn’t. FINE. The weather was nice and so was the walk. We got home and I head upstairs to relax. Kim came up and I said, “oh now you want to be nice to me?” … “I am sorry for being cranky” … “well I made you dinner and that’s what I get?” … “Can I be cranky just once out of 365 days?” …. oh. wow. OH WOW HE’S RIGHT. How many times has he had to deal with me being cranky, crying, sad, angry, exhausted? A million? Not good, not good at all. I said you’re so right, I am wrong, you can be “cranky” when his cranky isn’t even that bad, he just isn’t hugging and flinging me around like usual, which sometimes I am actually annoyed by so maybe I should have enjoyed it a little more, lol. Don’t worry, he turned around by the evening and was ALL UP IN MY BUSINESS at night. Lol. Night.

April 13, 2017. Thursday. I was up early I think, like way early, had to go back to sleep. Did my breathing exercise; 5 seconds in, hold 5 seconds, 5 seconds out. I think I did it twice before I was back to sleep. I think I got into work between 8 and 8:30 am. I want to start getting back to my usual schedule of waking up early. In my previous life, I woke up early, went to the gym before work, got ready, had a great day at work with some endorphins, home with no worries of a workout, love that feeling. Goals. Worked the day and then came home. I was tiiiiiiired and I honestly was just not feeling that great. I don’t think I drank enough water. I came home and grabbed a gatorade and started to feel better. Ed and Nate came over for dinner. Nate brought over some lamb, pork chops, potato and asparagus and we worked together on preparing it (he did most of it). I was peeling the potatoes but my hands hurt too much so he had to finish. After the potatoes were boiled I was mashing them but then dad had to help because … my hands hurt. The neuropathy is realllllllly kicking in. My feet seem ok. My nails HURT. Like they are sore, like when I try to pull my sneakers on or anything where pressure is on either my finger tip pads, or nails, ouchy. I had stuffed pork, yummmmm. It was delicious. I made this after dinner. Dad loves it, we used to make it so much when we were young and the smell is DIVINE. They left around 9 pm. Sleeps it was.

April 14, 2017. Friday. I was up around 6:30 am and left for work around 7 am getting in just before 8 am. I wore jeans and sneakers FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE. Does that mean you’re getting old? Or does it mean you are getting chemo and your sneakers are just so comfortable? I think both. I didn’t hate it let me tell you. I really felt good all day. I left work and for some reason there was traffic which was annoying. We were going out to dinner for Kim’s dads birthday. We were going to Godfather’s, same place we went the other day with Pat but I didn’t care, the place is really great and they have a HUGE menu so there were options. I came home and relaxed for a bit then started to get ready. They have outdoor seating but it was one of those days that was nice in the sun but chilly in the cold. I wore jeans and the sneaks, lol, with a long sleeved top and heavy sweater. Side note: I asked Kim to wear jeans and sneakers and he wore a grey shirt like me, LOL. An angel. We made our walk down to the restaurant, card and gifts in hand (oh yeah, I stopped at Walgreens on the way home to get a card, maybe some more eyelashes, and pepcid, was feeeeeeling some acid reflux. Also, these eyelashes are amazingggggg, try them).

Anyway, we walked down and everyone was sitting outside, shit, should have worn my jacket and maybe a hat. It wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t great. We got fried calamari to start. Kim got this stuffed pepper with ground pork and veal and fresh mozz, it was amazing. I got a caesar salad to start, mmmm. It was really busy and they were understaffed soooo stuff took a long time. Around 7:15 pm I needed a break from outside so went to the bathroom and maybe hung inside a little, hehe. By that time, someone asked if we could move inside and they finally had a table, they didn’t earlier. Ahhhh so much better. We didn’t get our food until about 8 pm. I was pretty much not hungry at this point. I had a few bites of my lasagna which was delicious and got it wrapped up, a lot of people did the same. We ended up walking home, the wind had died down and it was pretty enjoyable. Got home, lashes off and in beddy Kay goes.

April 15, 2017. Saturday. Happy birthday to Rebeka! I woke up around 7 am I think. Didn’t get out of bed until about 8:15 am. Jan and I were going for a walk around 8:30 am. It was a little nippy but nice. I got out of bed, put some lashes on, yup, to go for a walk, because, I can, and then met Jan and Havana half way. Jan is so cute and pregnant!! She’s getting over a cold though. I asked her if the baby has a cold too, she wasn’t sure but thought the same thing lol. We walked for an hour. I was around 6-7,000 steps. I have never really been motivated to get steps until I saw how far I was by 9:30 am, it was great, so my goal today was to hit 10,000. I got home and started cooking some potatoes. My college roommate Brittany was coming for brunch!! I haven’t seen her in a while, we are bad. It was soooo good to see her. I put some leftover peppers, onions, corn and black beans in a pan but I burnt them, idiot. I then just scrambled up some eggs and added some corn and black beans and called it a day. Oh, and added some avocado, yumz. She brought me a package full of all the necessities; cheez-its, cookies, a mug that matches my “she believed she could so she did” bracelet, a notebook and some Uncle Ben’s 90 second rice, LOLLLLL. We used to eat that in college allllll the time, ugh so many memories.

Brittany left around 12:30 pm and I was working on laundry and cleaning our sheets. Someone on the radio said they washed their sheets every two weeks and the other person was like, ew gross. Oh. Wait. Ok. Anyway, I washed those damn sheets, and did mine and Kim’s laundry which only came out to one large load. I feel good that I can start helping him. He is fully back at work, 6 days a week. I am happy to cook, do laundry, OH I VACUUMED. Wow, I am pretty impressive. Hehe. I had therapy at 3 pm. Meh, I am not sure I am a fan of my psychologist. I talked about stuff but I didn’t feel like I am getting what I need. What I really want is more of a life coach. Help me stay motivated and on track with working out, cleaning the house, keeping my anxiety at bay. I don’t know, we will see. I reached my goal of 10,000 steps! Yahoooo. I was finishing laundry when Kim called and he was on his way home, it was around 5:30 pm, he was starvingggg, he wanted to stop and get a snack for the way home, NO KIM, NO. We had basically full leftovers from last night. I had just started Sicario, AMAZING movie. I warmed up my lasagna and his chicken and pepperoni (yup) stromboli and made him some mini ravioli we had in the freezer because he was so starving. It was all ready when he got home. Mmmm mine was good. We finished the movie and hung out. It was probably around 8 pm at this point, shower time. I have been showering everyday, that’s what happens when you walk ya knowwwww. I was EXHAUSTED. Walking is really tiring. I always looked down upon it because I don’t get into a full sweat when I walk however it really is a great workout! I may have been asleep by 9:45 pm, whooppssssssss. Saturday night goals.

April 16, 2017. Sunday. Happy Easter! I was up at 4 am pretty much fully awake because I went to bed so early lol. I went back to sleep until 7:30 am, laying in bed until about 9 am. I was heading down to Wegmans (again) to get stuff for brunch at moms. I got fresh bread, some mini croissants (almond, chocolate, cinnamon bun), eggs, etc. I was making French toast, ham, sausage, eggs. I got there around 10 am and got to cooking. We were sitting outside on the deck by 11 am, it was nice. I needed to get some allergy medicine so mom and I went out to Walmart. I get the generic version of Zyrtec, it works, and ok by doctor. Went back to moms and did some work while watching Fixer Upper, great show. 

I left around 3:30 pm and maybeeeeee went back to Wegmans for our weekly haul. Just freakin’ love it. I had no idea what I wanted for dinner and asked Kim. He wanted burgers, your wish is my command. We have a lot of meat in our freezer which is nice. Got some stuff and went home. I prepared some egg muffins for the week. Ya know? You scramble some eggs (6), add some milk, then add any filling, I did the leftover corn and black beans, filled up a muffin tin (came out to 7) and baked at 375 for 20 minutes. Great for easy breakfast in the morning with half of an avocado. I am doing this because my girlfriends and I are doing a little weight loss challenge for our Florida trip. We have all downloaded the My Fitness Pal app and are tracking our weight and what we are eating (or trying to), definitely weight though. The person who loses the most weight % wise wins $20 from each person, she better buy me drinks, a lot of drinks. Wait, what am I saying, I’ll be a rich bitch and buy them drinks. 

It was on to the burgers. This is embarrassing. We had 4 pre-made angus beef patties in the freezer I thawed. Again, shouldn’t cook when I’m hungry. I thought they would thin out so I made all of them for double cheeseburgers, OYE VEY KAY. We like to eat them on toasted English muffins, yum. Kim came home and said, what is this, this is huge honey. Whoops. We both ended up taking one patty off, lol. Kim picked up some pasta salad from Kings too. I put American cheese, mayo, BBQ sauce and lettuce on them, Kim had cheddar. It was prettyyyyyyy darn delicious. We sat down and relaxed before going on an hour walk. Gotta get my 10,000 steps!! Got them :). Again exhausted after, shower, in bed, relax, night. 

Also! I really want to make this blog and many of my other thoughts into a book. I am wondering if I should start looking for an editor/publisher now? If anyone out there has a connection or advice, I would LOVE to hear it –> caitlinmarieone@gmail.com, thank you!!!

Casual day at chemo 4/18/2017


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